Real Housewives of Miami Finale Recap: “Report Card”

Ragan Fox was one of the stars of Big Brother 12.  He is a super fan of The Real Housewives franchise, and loves every iteration of the series, even DC.  Now that is brand loyalty.  His Housewives blogs are not suitable for children.  Or adults.

The finale’s big drama focused on an impromptu psychic reading Elsa performed for Larsa.  Larsa HATED Elsa’s reading and evidently thinks people go to psychics to hear that they’re attractive.  “I just figured a psychic would tell me my hair is pretty or something,” she said without a hint of irony and with the determination of a paperweight.  Earth to Larsa: Psychics are not beauty consultants. Larsa, who hasn’t said more than two f’ing syllables the ENTIRE season, suddenly dominates the conversation the minute she’s in a room with Elsa.  STFU, Larsa, and let Elsa, the STAR of this program, save the SINKING SHIP, otherwise known S.S. Miami.

Larsa is clearly jealous of Elsa.  Sure, Elsa’s no beauty queen.  Truth be told, she’s Miami’s answer to Lisa VanderPump’s alopecia-stricken but profoundly adorable dog Giggy:

 

 

 

 

 

Like Giggy, Elsa may not win 1^st (or ANY) prize in a beauty contest, but she’s got PERSONALITY and spunk, and steals every scene.

Good looking, uninteresting people like Larsa tend to feel viciously INSECURE when they’re around exciting, attention-grabbing men and women.  Larsa’s the type of gorgeous, self-obsessed lady who, because of her looks, never had to cultivate eccentricity or be fascinating to get ahead.  That’s why she feels threatened by Marysol’s mother.  Elsa represents everything Larsa lacks: humor, wit, and 650 pounds of rancid head meat. I don’t care if Elsa face looks like a witch mask:

 

 

 

 

 

 

I don’t care if I can’t understand half of the crazy shit that drips from her, her, um—are those lips? I don’t give a f#$k if she dresses like a fashion tsunami.

 

Bravo, why have you stopped using subtitles when Elsa speaks? Translating Elsa’s broken English(?) is like advanced Mathematics and viewers need your help! I’m pretty sure the last things she said in the above clip went something like, “I half forgot-ah mah age, ya’ know?  I forgot all-ray-eh. Ha.  Cum may sum bray en see may.”  And WTF is Elsa wearing? It looks like she’s using a toaster for a belt buckle.  Oh, and please don’t get me started on the socks.  Those horrible socks! With open-toed HEELS! That’s the beauty of Elsa.  Everything about her is wrong but that’s what makes her so f’ing right.  How can you not love this woman:

Not even Marlee Matlin could read Elsa’s lips! But who cares?! Elsa almost single-handedly made The Real Housewives of Miami worth watching.  I said, “almost.”  How dare Larsa Pippen call Elsa a bitch! Clearly, Elsa accurately described Larsa’s insecurities; otherwise Larsa wouldn’t have been so upset by Elsa’s reading.  As Shakespeare might say, “The lady [Larsa] doth protest too much, methinks.”  BTW, Larsa, there’s one COMMON DENOMINATOR in your nanny problems: YOU.

Crusty Rice-a-roni was once again the least self-aware housewife of the evening.  She didn’t look directly into the camera tonight but she was filled to the tits with paradox.

She, for instance, is appalled that Marysol’s husbands cooked the ladies frozen food; but, only a few weeks ago, the chef she hired cooked food from CANS.  Certainly, you remember Crusty’s chef who scooped pineapple out of a can, even though a FRESH pineapple was sitting within arm’s distance.

In one of the season’s most ironic moments, Cristy claimed that Lea is known as “Roy Black’s wife.”  Uh, Crusty, “Roy Black’s wife” sounds a LOT better than, “There’s what’s-her-name—you know, that chick who USED to be married to an NBA player.”  I wonder how much money she spends each month on Windex, ‘cuz her house is made entirely out of glass.

Meanwhile, Adriana wore a bathing suit that would make Pamela Anderson blush.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I’m no prude, but even I have to say “no” to vagina cleavage.  I genuinely like Adriana but can’t deal with any more of her beaver shots.  No, “beaver shot” is an understatement.  Adriana whips out a p*ssy bazooka.  I have seen her writhe her kitty against a gold stripper pole; I’ve watched her repeatedly bump her box on a wood floor; and I’ve sat motionless as she performed a labia Lambada on her boyfriend’s boat—and I do mean ON the guy’s boat, as in I’m certain the front of the boat penetrated her.  The crotch slingshot/bathing suit crossed a line for me.

As many of you know, I’m a college professor.  I evaluate by way of letter grades.  Since we’re at the end of the season, here’s my Me-ah-me report card.:

Adriana

 

 

 

 

I give Adriana a “B-.” Some may think this “B” stands for “beaver” or “Hepatitis-B,” but it doesn’t.  Between shocking revelations (e.g., discussing her failed marriage) and excessive acts of sexuality (e.g., aforementioned beaver bumps), Adriana went above and beyond to entertain viewers.  She mixed shit up (e.g., calling out Crusty) and got a little crazy (e.g., took an uninvited walk down a catwalk), but, at the end of the day, kept things real.  We saw her vulnerable, strong, playful, and catty sides.  If there ends up being a second season of this shit storm, my “B-” stands for “bring Adriana back.”

Alexia

 

 

 

 

Alexia earns a “C-,” in large part because her involvement in the show led to images of hot, shirtless men.  Alexia also passes because she’s a straight shooter.  Let’s hope her son is, um, not.

Cristy

 

 

This “F” is for FAKE.  I disliked Cristy the moment I saw her Leno-like face in the opening credits.  I HATE how, in the most CONTRIVED possible manner, she licks the upper roof of her mouth while saying, “I’m keeping it REAL.”  Check it out for yourself:

Hey, Crusty, Carrie Bradshaw called and wants her trademark lick back, you no-talent hack! BTW, people who “keep it real” don’t have to repeatedly claim they “keep it real.”  You earn an “F” for FAILING to pay for 3 tickets at the Fundraiser you and TWO of your friends crashed.  You earn an “F” for spending half the season looking directly at the camera.  Most of all, you earn an “F” because, more than ANY housewife in the HISTORY of the Housewives franchise, you kept it the LEAST real.  At least Camille Grammer was an interesting, thoughtful, and conniving villain.  You’re not even GOOD at being BAD.  Worst.  Housewife.  EVER.  Oh, and, to set the record straight, fans of the series refer to Lea as LEA; we call you, “Glen Rice’s ex-wife.”  Don’t get it twisted.

Larsa

 

 

 

For all the reasons outlined earlier in this blog entry, Larsa gets an “F.”  If Bravo renews Miami, they can’t bring her back.  She is to Miami what DeShawn Snow was to Atlanta; or what Jennifer Gilbert was to New York. Marysol’s frozen salmon has more warmth and personality than Larsa Pippen.

Lea

 

 

 

Lea Black wins “best in show.”  Minus Elsa, she’s the only Miami housewife featured in season one who has a natural talent for reality TV.  Plus, she’s shown a lot of post-season gusto, including a call into Watch What Happens Live, in which she berated Cristy Rice.  I love her f’d up fashion sense, cackle, and propensity to call it like she sees it without ever getting malicious.

Marysol

 

 

 

 

Marysol gets bumped up from a “C” to a “B-,” because she completed extra credit in the form of her monster—I mean mother.  MOTHER!  Sorry! I really meant mother! I admire Marysol because she’s got class, an excellent job, a doting French husband, and a loving, adorable monster.  MOTHER! I said “MOTHER!”