Ragan Fox was one of the stars of Big Brother 12. He is a super fan of The Real Housewives franchise, and loves every iteration of the series, even DC. Now that is brand loyalty. His Housewives blogs are not suitable for children. Or adults.
It’s time for another round of Housewives photojournalism, NYC edition.
Simon and the Technicolor Dream Coat: Simon Van Kempen set NYC’s marriage equality movement back 10 years, after showing up to a MENY rally in rainbow AND sequins. If Simon’s coat symbolizes marriage equality, I’m joining the Phelps, “God hates f#gs!” church.
Alex and Simon take great pride in their fashion risks. The Van Kempens, unfortunately, are to fashion what bug chasers are to sex.
Sonja’s Painting: Sonja’s painting (see above) was a SCREAM! I just can’t decide if the art was Scream 4 or expressionist painter Edvard Munch’s “The Scream” (see below). Here’s what I do know: The open-legged beaver shot, saggy titties, and pruned-up face made me scream, first in fear, then in laughter.
The painting makes Sonja looks like a mix between Halloween’s Michael Meyers:
and Michael Jackson:
Here’s a closer look at Sonja’s face, as artistically depicted by her boyfriend:
Ramonaphobia: The jury’s out on Ramona. She delivers some of the program’s most memorable lines, like, “It’s turtle time!” And who can forget her remarkable trip down the catwalk at Brooklyn Fashion Week (see below)?
Work those eyes, honay! WORK ‘EM! Work that pinstripe monstrosity, ‘Mona! Work it OUT at BFW, aka Brooklyn Fashion Week. Jay-sus, I NEVER get sick of saying, “Brooklyn Fashion Week.” What’s next? Boston Fashion Day? New Jersey Fashion Minute?
At any rate, Ramona never fails to stick her foot in her mouth and delivers consistent LOLs. She is also, unfortunately and undeniably, homophobic. She was the ONLY returning housewife to skip New York’s Marriage Equality march. She also insulted the show’s core audience (GAYS) when she intimated that she “doesn’t support the gay lifestyle.” For all these reasons, I now refer to our pop-eyed, Pinot Grigio-mainlining Ramona as Ramonaphobia. PS: I wish production would stop allowing Ramonaphobia to tap dance around her homophobia. Gays put her on the map; and, if she pisses us off, we’ll drop a house on her and steal her ruby-bottomed Louboutin shoes.
Counting on the Countess: I have to hand it to Countess LuAnn de Lesseps. She stole the show with her three-sentence assessment of Alex’s party attire. “I don’t know what Alex was wearing at Sonja’s event,” she wondered. “It was some type of S & M bondage thing. I would have kicked her out just for the dress.” Alex’s outfit (see below) was a full-on, LEVEL 5 disaster; the ensemble wasn’t even classy enough for Brooklyn Fashion Week, let alone the unveiling of Sonja’s, um, portrait..
Her get-up reminded me of the slave S & M costume that the multi-talented Elizabeth Berkley wore in the best film EVER made, Showgirls (see below). Certainly, a “37-year-old” “fashion model” knows better than to wear dominatrix couture at an art show. Let’s face it; Alex’s cocktail number wouldn’t make it on the rack at Contempo Casual, let alone a high-end boutique.
BTW, WTF was up with Alex’s mic wire? Tacky! Tacky! Tacky! Buy some double-stick tape, honey. You’re a DANCER, not a whore.