Ragan Fox was one of the stars of Big Brother 12. He is a super fan of The Real Housewives franchise, and loves every iteration of the series, even DC. Now that is brand loyalty. His Housewives blogs are not suitable for children. Or adults.
One scene in last night’s episode of The Real Housewives of Orange County beautifully summed up life behind the Coto de Caza gates. Tamra Barney sat across from Fernanda Rocha, her token lesbian friend, and announced, “I’m happy now. I’m just so…happy! HAPPY! I’m so happy and I want everyone around me to be happy. HAPPY! So very, very happy!” And then she burst into tears.
Most of the chicks on this show are in hardcore denial; and Alexis is perhaps the most skilled at ignoring reality. Alexis Bellino loves to say that she puts God first, her marriage second, and her children third. Staring blankly into the camera, she proudly proclaims, “That’s how the bible says it should be done.” Last night, I hacked into Alexis’ hard drive and found a Microsoft Excel sheet that details a more expansive list of her rank-ordered priorities.
- Pinot Grigio
- Rolex watch
- Male son
“My children are advanced for their age,” Alexis told new housewife Peggy. “Malania scribbles better than anyone in her class; and Mikena sits up and listens better than any other student in her class. I have over-achievers.” No offence, Alexis, but your children are not “advanced for their age.” They’re “advanced” for gerbils or ferrets. Hell, I’ve seen cats work an iPad.
You have nothing to brag about when scribbling, sitting up, and listening are the strongest talents of your brood. Obviously, these aren’t Malania’s and Mikena’s only skills. While rifling through Alexis’ computer files, I found another Excel spreadsheet in which Boobs for Jesus rank orders the talents of her spawn.
- Sitting up
Why shoot for the stars when the ceiling’s so much closer? Who says you can’t get a Ph.D. in staring? I’m sure Malania and Mikena are great kids. I’m just flummoxed by their mother, who freely admits that her children are not her #1 priority and claims sitting up is among their most refined talents.
I loved watching Alexis and Peggy use their kids to try to one-up one another. “Both of my kids can count to 30,” Peggy told Alexis, who immediately came back with, “Well my daughters can count to 6…in SPANISH.” I’m starting to think that Alexis is, in fact, mainlining Jesus, because this conversation was 100% HEAVEN, not from concentrate. Boobs for Jesus and Peggy reminded me of Kristen Wig’s Penelope character on SNL.
Those of you who watched the Big Brother 12 live feeds know that I’m a HUGE Penelope fan and love to mimic the character’s voice and games of one-upsmanship.
But Peggy and Alexis weren’t being tongue-in-cheek. They’re the type of women upon which the Penelope sketch is based.
Last night, we also learned that Vicki is NOT high on crystal meth, she’s high on, um, insurance. We saw her snort SEVERAL lines of insurance in Seattle, where she was awarded “most psychotic insurer of 2010.” I put quotation marks around her title to highlight how many times the award presenter referred to Vicki as “psychotic…about insurance” and “a total psycho…when it comes to her job.” The camera cuts to Vicki who’s presumably moved by the man’s backhanded compliment and on the brink of tears, or in the midst of an insurance-induced hallucination.
Later in the episode, Vicki cooked two batches of crystal meth-surance in a spoon; injected the sweet drug into the webs of her feet; and then took Team Gunvalson boating and bowling, where she got felt up by a hot guy and then cock blocked by her daughter. WTF? Vicki f’ing GUNVALSON can get an HPA (hot piece of ass) and I can’t!?! Her last name is GUNVALSON and she gets HIGH on INSURANCE.
The other women of OC did not deliver. As I predicted last week, not only did Peggy’s primary storyline involve shooting guns, but she asked if she could get her new weapon BEJEWLED. I find the lesbian infinitely more interesting than Peggy, and, for the life of me, can’t figure out why Bravo decided to make Peggy a full housewife and Fernanda a secondary character. Peggy seems like the type of chick who designs and wears confederate flag fashions. I can just imagine the Peggy Tanous spring line:
In other housewives news, I’m sad to report that Gretchen’s turned into an insufferable bore. I cringed every time she said, “Gretchen Christine Beaute” (pronounced Buh-you-tay). What a shitty name for a product line. Gretchen Christine Beaute? Beaute? Seriously? Gretchen Christine Beaute sounds like it was named by somebody who EATS makeup, not produces it. Today seems to be a day for lists, so here’s a sneak peek at some of the other names Gretchen considered for her beauty line:
- Lady Paint
- Gretchen Christine Carol Johanna Mildred Francesca Beaute
- Pimp My Pores
- Casual Sex Face Colors