After last week’s solstice party blowout between Teresa Giudice and her sister-in-law, Melissa Gorga on The Real Housewives of New Jersey, this week’s episode was like a walk in the park on a warm summer day — as long as you take that walk wearing bronzer, hair extensions, leopard print and a smoky eye.
Menopausal (do they really have to bring this up in every episode?) Caroline Manzo celebrated her wedding anniversary with Al, who bought her an $80K Jaguar. Meanwhile, Kathy Wakile’s teen kids had a pool party, to which Kathy inexplicably invited all of the Housewives. Teresa and the Gorgas and their seven small children were the only ones to show, but let’s be honest, wouldn’t Caroline and Jacqueline just have been extra baggage anyway?
At one point, Teresa and her brother sat down and tried to iron out their differences. Teresa blamed Melissa for all the problems between her and her brother, and Joe was upset that Teresa never, ever admits that she’s wrong. Nothing we haven’t seen before, and nothing was resolved.
Still, despite the overall calm of the show, it wouldn’t be RHONJ without insult-slinging, cliche-butchering and yet another “can’t we all just get along?” conversation. Here are the most interesting/terrible/funny quotes from the episode:
1. When Kathy talks to her husband, Rich, about keeping Teresa close because she’s family, Rich says: “Who gives a sh*t about that, right? See my arm? It’s been with me 47 years. This thing is closer to me than family. But when you have cancer in your arm, what do they do? They cut it off!”
2. “It was a solsist party,” Teresa, explaining to Joe Giudice where she fought with Melissa. (God, I love Teresa’s vocabulary. Coming your way soon: A Teresa Giudice dic-shun-air-ee.)
3. “She’s screaming on top of her lungs,” Teresa on Melissa. (See above comment.)
4. “Your brother is a little bitch. … His name isn’t Joe, it’s Josephine,” Joe Giudice said to Teresa. And later: “Caroline, she is kind of boring. Rosie looks like a butchy boy. Your cousin looks like a frog. You don’t need any of ‘em.”
5. “I’ve gotta take a big dumper,” Joe Giudice. (Hey, man, they don’t call him Juicy Joe for no reason.)
6. “To be honest with you, when I found out my wife invited Teresa (to the pool party), I told my kids, ‘Play along with this, but don’t invite any of your friends. The less people that know you’re related to Teresa and Joe Giudice, the better for your image in high school,” Rich Wakile in confessional.
7. “Old school Italians, they don’t do therapy. They don’t believe in therapy. They just don’t talk the rest of their lives,” Joe Gorga in confessional after Rich suggests he and Teresa seek counseling.
8. “I have nobody, you should be there for me.” Teresa to Joe Gorga. (Really, Teresa? Who are those other five people living in your house?)
9. “I just want you to be normal.” Joe Gorga to Teresa.
10. “You are the meanest brother ever,” Teresa said to Joe Gorga. His response: “I am an angel from God.”