Last night, on The Real Housewives of Orange County, we got the best news of the season: The ladies will be going on vacation together soon, and everyone knows what that means. The gloves are certain to come off their meticulously manicured nails, and blonde chunks of hair extensions will fly.
But in the meantime, it was business as usual in the OC. Tamra Barney looked more into opening her gym; Vicki Gunvalson lamented the argument with her daughter; Gretchen Rossi and Slade started therapy; Heather Dubrow gave up her “acting identity” and finally changed her name to match her husband’s; and Alexis Bellino proved again that she might be the dumbest Housewife of all time.
As always, we found ourselves asking ourselves lots of questions — including, but not limited to, “How much is my brain shrinking during this hour of television?” Here are some of the others:
1. If Vicki wants to remain part of this show, can she please leave the job to film her scenes? All footage of Vicki this week was shot in her office, and frankly, nothing interesting happens there, no matter how many times she drags in her friends, kids or boyfriend to shoot scenes with her.
2. Which was more disturbing: A freshly-rolled-out-of-bed Slade, with bed head and a black bathrobe, drinking coffee from a “fashionista” cup; or B) Gretchen, at the same time of early morning, with 50 pounds of foundation and a fierce smoky eye, looking remarkably drag-queenish? I don’t even want to see that at 9:15 p.m., let alone first thing in the morning.
3. Does Vicki really just say she thinks she’s the “perfect” mom? I had to rewind four times to make sure. What a relief to know there’s one mother in existence who has never, ever made a mistake with her kids.
4. Why didn’t anyone ever tell me the DMV takes appointments? Because when Heather made one to go have her name changed on her driver’s license, we got REAL pissed about the hundreds of hours we’ve spent in line there over the years. Oh wait, that’s only for rich and/or TV people? Nevermind.
5. Also, did Heather think the DMV workers were going to laugh at her lame jokes? I’ve gotten a driver’s licenses in five states, and, across the country, those are some of the surliest people I’ve ever dealt with. She should feel lucky she got out of there without a black eye for daring waste their time with her attempts at humor.
6. Who does this trainer guy think he is, giving Tamra a lap dance during his “audition” to work at her fitness center? This isn’t Ridickulous and The Real Housewives of Atlanta is it?
7. And did Eddie just sit there and let it happen? Maybe he was still in a daze from watching that female trainer cross both of her legs behind her head.
8. Where is the teacher in charge of Alexis’ geography education? Because I swear Alexis just said “Costa Rica is in Mexico.” What’s that you say? The teacher is in Greece? Which is in France? Gotcha.
9. When will Gretchen ever get a clue that Slade is a loser? In therapy, he blamed Gretchen for “distracting him,” which he says is the reason he hasn’t paid his child support at any point DURING THE PAST THREE YEARS. Um, my kids distract me from doing everything, but I still manage to pay my bills, jackass.
10. Tamra is responsible for our last question, which she asked in regards to Alexis: “Would you trust a girl who has tits bigger than her head?” I love this question because A) up until about two episodes ago, that described Tamra; and B) if she didn’t trust anyone with tits bigger than their heads, then she probably wouldn’t have any friends in Orange County.