When The Real Housewives of Orange County attended a formal soiree launching Vicki Gunvalson and Tamra Barney’s new business venture — a wine of the month club — the awkward moments flowed more than the grape juice.
The train wrecks were mostly Vicki-centric, as the OC matriarch planned to A) tell the group her daughter had eloped, and B) introduce her kids to her new beau, Brooks. The results? All kinds of moments that made you want to turn away. Well, kinda. But not really.
Here’s what went down on last night’s show:
1. Vicki Gunvalson and Tamra Barney go into a lingerie shop for a bra fitting, since Tamra doesn’t know her post-implant-removal size. She keeps making fun of herself and her “itty bitty titties.” The clerk measures her and says she’s a 32D. I guess two cantaloupes qualify as teensy tiny tits in the OC.
2. Slade says how close he is with Gretchen’s Rossi’s dad (maybe because they appear to be the same age????) when the two meet up for a bike ride. 2a. Slade asks Pops’ permission to propose to Gretchen. Dad, in turn, lists multiple reasons that Gretchen should say no, then denies Slade’s request for a blessing.
3. Vicki tells her makeup artist how close she and Brianna are, and how devastating it was to find out she eloped. Then Bravo plays five or six clips where an overbearing Vicki is driving her adult daughter bonkers trying to micromanage her life. In Vicki’s world, “close” = all up in yo’ bizness.
4. Tamra wears a fitted, red, smokin’ hot gown to the party. Gretchen arrives in white, and Vicki has on blue sequins. They giggle and make a huge deal about their patriotic colors and pose for corny pictures. There’s nothing more All-American than a bunch of rich ladies with plastic surgery drinking expensive wine and complaining about their difficult lives, right?
5. Later, Briana arrives wearing the EXACT same dress, in the same color, as Tamra. So much for being the sole red hot chili pepper of the party.
6. During a toast using blue cheese on a toothpick (klassy!), Gretchen drops a huge hunk of cheese into her wine glass, then tries to stab it multiple times with a toothpick, which breaks it into a million pieces. Bravo cuts to a quote where Gretchen says how great and sophisticated she is at the many formal events she attends.
7. Vicki announces Brianna elopement to all, and starts crying in the middle of it. And it’s not the happy, “I’m so proud of her” kind of sobbing, either.
8. Brooks meets Vicki’s son, Michael, for the first time and introduces himself as Brooks, “as in Brooks and Dunn.” He immediately tries to discuss with Michael his sister’s recent nuptials. Uh, when you’re meeting offspring of your girlfriend — who is still married, by the way — perhaps you could start off with something innocuous like the weather. Or sports. Michael totally blows him off and walks away.
9. Brooks talks to Vicki and Tamra about their sons, both of whom he spoke to for all of 30 seconds. He tells Vicki “I love your son as though he’s my own because I can relate to him.” He tells Tamra that Ryan is “the bomb.com. He is the REAL DEAL.” Somewhere, Brooks’ four children collapse on the floor from embarrassment.
10. Finally, it’s Brianna’s turn to meet Brooks. She’s dreading it, and has a hard time hiding her distaste for the situation. In turn, this makes Brooks nervous and he’s unable to schmooze as smoothly as usual. He stammers out “I’m so happy that you’re happy” three times in a row before attempting to recover with “I feel like I know you.” I feel like I know YOU, Brooks. You’re Slade 2.0.