Ragan Fox was one of the stars of Big Brother 12. He is a super fan of The Real Housewives franchise, and loves every iteration of the series, even DC. Now that is brand loyalty. His Housewives blogs are not suitable for children. Or adults.
Back in the days before HD TV, it never paid to take pictures of images produced by television sets. Squiggly lines and flash reflections used to obscure whatever figure I was trying to catch. Last week, while trying to capture the monstrosity that sits atop Elsa’s neck, I found out that I can take beautiful, clear photos of my 46” LCD TV. This discovery enabled me to pen and publish my first round of Real Housewives photojournalism.
A lot of shit went down in last night’s episode of Me-ah-me. Marysol got married; Alexia was involved in a car accident; and an incredibly hot Latin actor took off his shirt. Who cares about any of that crap? I want to talk about my favorite moment from episode 5: Lea Black’s public speech.
Lea Black delivered a “motivational” speech and received a STANDING OVATION by the girls of Everglades Camp. Here some of the EvergLADIES, in the midst of uproarious applause:
Author’s Note: I’m about to provide SPECIFC and EXACT quotations from Lea’s speaking gig. Sometimes in my blog, I paraphrase dialogue and embellish to get a laugh. Not a word of the following lines—not even a SYLLABLE—has been manipulated for comedic effect.
Leave it to Lea to tell a group of struggling young women that negative thinking caused their hardships. That’s right! Lea Black preached The Secret gospel to a group of teenage girls who have spent their lives in foster care. She exclaimed, “Your thoughts actually create things in the universe that create things in your life. If you think of yourself as happy, you can attract happy things. If you think of yourself as sad, you attract sad things.”
(Speaking of The Secret: If you haven’t read Ari Brouillette’s BRILLIANT and HILARIOUS review of the crap-tacular book, please click here and get ready to laugh.)
Lea then told the young lady pictured below that she should aspire to be Oprah’s hairdresser. Not Oprah; but Oprah’s hairdresser.
My favorite part of her speech was when production cut to specific girls in the audience to create the illusion that Lea was targeting them with her words.
Lea, for example, demonstrated the power of negative thinking and said, “I have acne.” Production then cut to the following image:
“I’m overweight.” Cut to the following image:
“I don’t have any friends.” Cut to the following image:
I teach public speaking, and, let me tell you, Lea Black would earn an A++ in my class. That’s right. TWO PLUSSES! The conclusion was the most rousing part of her monologue. Awkwardly pacing around the room, Lea chirped:
“You know, maybe if I wouldn’t have broken my arm and never became an athlete, I wouldn’t have become Madonna. Let me tell you, the only person in the world who doesn’t have a problem is a dead person. Am I scaring you? Does anyone else have any questions? I’m on a tight schedule, so I gotta’ run.”
Author’s Reminder: Not one word in any of the above quotations was fabricated. Not a SINGLE WORD.
Did Lea Black go to the Charlie Sheen School for Motivational Speaking? Because I find myself equal parts horrified and amused by every word that came out of her mouth.
Later in the episode, Larsa asked Marysol’s mother (pictured below) if she’d teach the girls how to cook. Elsa, looking especially radiant, agreed.
Seriously, though, WTF is up with Floridian plastic surgeons? EVERY plastic surgeon in that state should have his or her license revoked. Maybe I’m being presumptuous. Maybe the aging men and women of Miami want to look like their heads were caught in a meat grinder. Maybe their surgeons are GENIUSES and do a fantastic job approximating the “I want to look like this!” pictures brought to them by their clients. Maybe the chef pictured above and Elsa demanded to look like the man and woman in the following photo:
Whatever the case, I’d rather look like Elsa than ACT like Crusty. Cristy Rice, once again, proved that she’s not cut out for reality, much less a reality TV show. We’re FIVE f’ing episodes into the abbreviated, 6-episode season and this hack STILL looks directly at the camera.
Crusty! The person talking to you in this scene is to the LEFT of the camera, NOT DIRECTLY IN IT.
These three girls best sum up my feelings about The Real Housewives of Miami:
Before I go, I have one more thing to get off my chiseled chest. I hate how Bravo inserts 30-45-second clips of a show into a 5-minute long round of commercials. They do this to make viewers press play on their DVRs and watch one or two commercials they may have otherwise skipped. Normally, the 30-second, mid-ad content is throwaway material. During Top Chef, for instance, they might feature a “cheftestant” cracking a stupid joke about shrimp.
Oh, and while we’re on the subject of “cheftestants,” Bravo!, please stop pushing your made-up, bullshit language on viewers. Every time I hear “cheftestant” or “Bravolebrity,” the following movie scene plays in my head:
Oh, crap. What was I saying? Oh, yeah, right! Episode 5 of Miami included a 30-second throwaway scene in which Adriana pole danced and rubbed her camel toe against the floor. But here’s the best part: Last week, Bravo featured this footage in their preview for the fifth episode! That’s how much this show sucks! The throwaway scene was considered to be one of the most compelling, have-to-preview moments of the episode. Brilliant.
Next week’s the season finale. But, really, wasn’t this show over before the first episode even aired?