It’s been a little more than a year since Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi first announced to the world she was pregnant. Thursday night on Snooki & JWoww, the junior meatball finally came out of the oven for the world at large to see.
Most of the episode involved Snooki and Jionni oohing and aahing over their new addition, and rightly so. Lorenzo is a cutie patootey. It’s really hard to put into words how new parents feel when a baby is born, but never at a loss for words, Snooki managed to find several ways.
– “He is my new best friend,” she said. “Even his farts smell good. I love the smell of his farts, is that weird? I love the smell of his sh*t.”
– Before the doctor performed the circumcision, Snooki was all, “Can we keep the foreskin? …. I really like scrapbooking.”
– “I don’t mind Lorenzo peeing in my face as long as his pee pee doesn’t get in my mouth,” she said.
The worst part, though, was that the doctor actually DID bring her the foreskin to inspect, and I almost threw up in my mouth a little.
After Jenni and Roger met baby Lorenzo, they went back home to get ready for their road trip to Maine to see Roger’s dad. Although their entire visit was to be spent in the woods, JWoww carefully listed off the thing she’d need to pack: “A couple of pairs of Shore Store sweats, some spandex and a couple of hoochie outfits. You never know when you’re going to need a hoochie outfit.”
Definitely at your potential father-in-law’s house in the boonies. Definitely.
Before Rog-Woww left, they discovered they had a mouse in the house, and also, at least one bug, which they suspected was a cockroach. Jenni’s reaction was the same one I’d have under the those circumstances. “Can we go to a hotel, please?” Or maybe to Maine, where there are more critters and bugs per capita than any other state on the mainland.
They woke up at 4:45 a.m. to roll out, and Jenni spent most of the road trip asleep. Roger got bored, so he cut a huge fart and waved it over to her, which was enough to wake her up so he had someone to talk to.
Once they arrived, Roger was getting double- and triple-teamed about marriage. His dad, step mom and Jenni were all dropping not-so-subtle hints about getting engaged, and making a meaty little baby nugget of their own. I’m no doctor or anything, but I think you actually have to have sex for the latter to happen.
When Snooki and Jionni arrived home with the baby, they discovered that Jionni’s mom had set up the entire nursery for them, washed and sterilized all the bottles — pretty much rocked out their living space for the baby. They all gave each other hugs, then Snooki set down the sleeping baby and said, “Now what?”
Turns out babies don’t come with an owner’s manual.
“Would it be bad if we pout some sort of hair gel or hair spray?” Jionni to his doctor.
“Is that a real question?,” doctor to Jionni.
“If she eats a lot of chocolate, can she make chocolate milk?,” Jionni to lactation consultant.
“Don’t make me laugh, my vagina hurts,” Snooki.
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