First of all, I loved the “Dawson kissed her chances at the million dollars, goodbye,” from Probst in summary of Dawson’s manhandling of him last week. And I suppose Probst was pretty happy with Katie going home on Day 16. He has been borderline obsessive with calling out her weaknesses during challenges, has he not? In fact, Probst should wear #TeamPenner t-shirts for every episode.
That was my Probst rant. I have them sometimes.
But moving on to some raving (the challenges were oldies but goodies)…and additional ranting, of course:
KALABAW TRIBE: You gorge on letters from home to complement the sandwiches, soup, potato chips and brownies you “won” at the Reward Challenge, giving up roughly a day’s rice in order to do that. I say it was a good call.
DENISE: I didn’t award Pete any points when Abi found the idol, and so I didn’t award you points when Malcolm found the idol. I do wonder if I should. Hmmm. It looks like you’ll make the merge though now that you’ve survived two tribal councils in a row (+60 points) as the “new girl on the block” as you called yourself. You’re still, you’re still Denny from the Block. I love it. You have such an immense advantage in this game because you watch and read people for a living which we see in your talks with everyone, including the one with Katie where you discuss the likelihood of Penner having the idol (+20 points). And physically, you are ridonkulously fit. This combo has been benefiting you week to week and although Blair gave you a run for your money during the Reward Challenge, you were quite the muddy force to be reckoned with. It was nice getting to see you win something (+25 points) and take down that enormous sandwich like a man. You do well in the Immunity Challenge as well but the rest of your team failed to score points. You are one of my favorites this season and I hope to see you go far! WEEK 5 POINTS: 105
PENNER: Probst loves you clearly, as we all saw him trying to warn you of a possible blindside at tribal council. That was a good call you made at the Reward Challenge making that deal with Skupin and the rest of Tandang (+30 points) although as a fan I would have loved to see more of a battle, which you’re partly responsible for robbing me of (-20 points). But I appreciated that grip you had while you were fisting Skupin and the big ball simultaneously, it made for a great screenshot (+20 points). I don’t know if everyone else got pages upon pages of letters but your letters from home looked like a screenplay! Good job scoring the first point for Kalabaw at the Immunity Challenge, giving your tribe momentum (+25 points) but you kinda sucked for the rest of that challenge (-20 points) although Denise was aiming her balls straight to you. It seems everyone and their sex therapist knows you have the idol, so you might as well wear it around your neck. I kid. I like you. And you bring a sense of logic to the game (+20 points), albeit kooky at times. WEEK 5 POINTS: 55
KATIE: It’s so unfair what the producers did with you. Just when we started to see you’re your pageant side barreling through your personality, you get sent home. What a buzzkill. Last week I said “Come on pageant girl. Seal deals!” and just when you start to drop f-bombs and rally against Penner, you are cut off at your pageant knees. It would have been awesome, though, to see you tell Probst to STFU when he shouted “Katie, completely ineffective in this challenge!” but I can appreciate you keeping your cool. Oh well. Buh-bye. FAIL
JEFF: Awww, we got to see such a sweet side of you as you cried while reading your letters from home, and you didn’t even have to get all muddied up for it (+10 points). You kill in the Immunity Challenge, easily catching those pop-ups like 1-2-3 (+50 points) but it isn’t enough in the end. You bring up, to Carter, the possibility of blindsiding Penner and for a baseball player, you’re playing a pretty good game of Survivor (+10 points). Even all your “You don’t know if you’re gonna strike out or hit a home run but you go up to the plate and swing the bat,” baseball analogies are starting to grow on me. But when you asked Carter “Which way you wanna swing?” I held my breath for a second because my mind went somewhere else entirely. You impart some of your stream of consciousness to us and during tribal council, while calling Katie “useless” in the same breaths. I think you made the right move voting Katie and not Penner, in the end (+20 points). Nice. Carry on. WEEK 5 POINTS: 90
CARTER: You’re quite the enigma, at least to me. You seem physically and mentally fit but always tend to sound whiny (-10 points), especially so when you’re nagging about the stingray that got away. It seems your kryptonite is “starvation” as you cry that your “body might not be able to handle the starving game”, as opposed to The Hunger Games? You kinda suck at the Immunity Challenge (-20 points) although you hold your own against Pete in the Reward Challenge (+25 points). But you, like Jeff, are not too shabby in figuring out this game and you decide to keep Penner in another week to perhaps use as a body shield come merge (+10 points). But your complete brain fart is revealing to Penner that he may be voted out, “Penner, what do you want to do? Katie or Penner?” is inexcusable (-50 points). Although it seems Penner’s none the wiser so you lucked out on that one. I don’t know. Maybe it was better when you didn’t talk? WEEK 5 POINTS: -45
TANDANG TRIBE: You guys have never seen a tribal council, although there’s so much tension in your tribe the drama would be great to see. But all good things come to those who wait, so I will patiently await some fights later.
MALCOLM: Nice job working your way into the tribe (+20 points) and proving yourself worthy and just unlucky to have been on the Matsing sinking ship at the start of this season. Everyone on Tandang seems to dislike each other enough to like you, so you seem to be in a good place (+25 points) so you need to bank on it. You and Blair make an unbeatable team in the Immunity Challenge and you bring home three of the five need points to win (+60 points). From the previews for next week it looks like you and Blair team up, similar to how you and Denise once did. You and the whole mommy figure thing is becoming a pattern. Interesting. WEEK 5 POINTS: 105
SKUPIN: Dude, this is two weeks in a row that I’m starting your ranking with “Dude”. This is your fault. Dude, why are you eating all the dry rice?! Why?! That’s borderline unhealthy for you (-15 points)! More/Less, you choose, your tribemates are pissed about it (-25 points)! I appreciate your state of bliss during the Reward Challenge, stemming from your love of the game, but you looked a little too happy there while Penner was crushing your muddy nuts. Although the rest of your tribe agreed, some begrudgingly, to the deal made with Kalabaw it seems you are taking the heat for basically forfeiting the win. This is not a good week for you (-25 points). You’ve managed to piss off many people and sit it out of the Immunity Challenge at a bad time as well. WEEK 5 POINTS: -65
ABI-MARIA: You are a piece of work! “Kalabaw totally used psychology and it worked!” Yes. Psychology is great. And you are great for entertainment value, which is usually bad for social dynamics around camp, but your tribemates let you get away with your nasty disposition. You sit out your sixth challenge (-60), but again there are no immediate consequences because your tribe continues to avoid tribal council and really you are conserving your energy (+50 points). Because you have Pete and Artis bitching about everything with you, you aren’t in any immediate danger. All in all, you’ve managed not to expend much energy (+20 points) in the sixteen days in the game and you have the idol. I really would have loved to seen you up against Denise in the Reward Challenge, but I can’t get everything I want. Sigh. WEEK 5 POINTS: 10
RC: There’s not much of you this week, although you are the only girl to actually score a point during the Immunity Challenge (+30 points). You refer to Abi as a “Brazilian bomb that’s about to blow up at any second” which is true (+20 points) but mild. You can be harsher, really. I give you credit for not bitching behind Skupin’s back (+15 points) once you went back to camp, like so many of your fellow tribemates chose to do. Watch your back missy. Brazilian bombs cause some serious damage! WEEK 5 POINTS: 65
ARTIS: Well then, it seems we’ve turned a corner with you and around that corner greeted us a very angry Artis! I find your intensity tolerable, a little fire in you finally (+10 points). I found your impersonation of RC hilarious (+25 points), as I did your bitchfest during the Reward Challenge (+25 points) but I have to agree with Blair when she said that kind of negative energy is wasted energy. I’m sorry your birthday was ruined by Survivor, really. But you need to stop acting like a “teenaged girl” like Skupin said, and find a better way to expend energy (-20 points). It’s unbecoming. Or, you can bond with follow bitchers Pete and Abi and try to pull off some sort of coup. WEEK 5 POINTS: 40
BLAIR: BLAIR!!! I had no idea what to expect when you went up against Denise in the Reward Challenge. No, I’m lying. I thought she would steamroll you, and I was wrong! Bonus points for you (+10 points)! You held on to her like your whole world depended on it, and I am so impressed with your versatility (+25 points). Nice move handing the coveted Immunity Idol to Abi after the win, even if Probst made her hand it over to Malcolm. You’ve been coddling Abi here and there, I’ve noticed, with the intent of keeping on her good side. Well done (+15 points). Your social game is on-point and you perform well in challenges, unlike Abi who doesn’t perform at all by choice. You are building quite a resume should you get to jury (+15 points). You found the magic spot called Malcolm during the Immunity Challenge, propelling your tribe to a win with three straight shots to him (+50 points). Who knew you were good with a slingshot?! Amazing. WEEK 5 POINTS: 65
PETE: You held Carter off during the Reward Challenge, scored your tribe’s first point during the Immunity Challenge and also played a hell of a defense against Jeff in that same challenge (+30 points). Physically, you are impressive and aiding your team. Socially you are playing quite a ruthless game, which works fine in Survivor (+15 points). Saying you agreed with the deal made with Kalabaw then adding fuel to the “Burn Skupin” fire back at camp is a good move (+10 points). I definitely would not want you or Abi as an enemy. You’re not one of my favs, but I can’t fault you for playing your own style of game. WEEK 5 POINTS: 55
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At week six, we pretty much have everything we want from a season of Survivor! And it looks like Jeff has taken over the #1 spot again, with Malcolm only five points behind him!