And we’ve made it to the merge! Big week!
And bigger week for mankind as we have come out of a hurricane disaster fit for Halloween as the world watches in waiting for the presidential elections. Oh, and some man in China divorced and won money in a court case against his wife, whom he married “under false pretenses” because his wife had never told him about all the plastic surgery she’d had done to her face prior to their meeting and they’d just had their first child who was “too ugly” according to him. This is a true story. Not to mention Spain and Greece falling apart in jaggedly bankrupt pieces of a jobless puzzle. What is going on?!
Those of you out there who carry the Mayan opinion that the world is ending next month? It certainly seems so. Thank goodness we have a great Survivor season to end the world with.
But keeping up with the spirit of Halloween, I’ve zombified all our castaways. I did this once for Big Brother and so Survivor also gets one:
DENISE: You would make a great zombie (+10 points) because you would watch the behaviors of all the other zombies and realize all zombies are not alike. Sure, they’re all walking living dead but some are faster than others, etc. I’m awarding you extra points for making it to the merge after being in six straight tribal councils (+50 points) so that you and Malcolm could reunite. You easily took the immunity necklace from the other women (+50 points) plus, you now have an “in” on the other tribe by way of Malcolm AND Blair (+20 points). Nice. I don’t know if zombies can kill other zombies, but please do take Zombie Abi out if you get a chance, please and thank you. Or ask Rick Grimes to do it. I’m sure even as a zombie you could convince him (+15 points). WEEK 7 POINTS: 145
PENNER: You would make a horrible zombie (-10 points) because you would try to force logic into zombified minds and you’d end up ostracizing yourself to roam the world alone. But perhaps you’d find a Zombie Probst and then you two can wander together. I can’t believe Probst straight up TOLD YOU that you were “in trouble at tonight’s tribal council” when you dropped out of the Immunity Challenge. But really, that’s Probst’s thing so I can’t fault you. Good for you on that bit of insider info (+15 points) and good for you for getting to the merge as a veteran (+10 points). I said last week that everyone knew about the idol and so it was not only a good idea to out it, but it saved you (+50 points). Whether or not it was Probst who tipped you off, you made the right call. I am looking forward to seeing you unfurl your thespian flair in fury upon those who betrayed you. Just don’t take it out on Blair. I think it’s so cool that you and she talked it out and you told her wouldn’t blow her matter of facts of life cover (+10 points). WEEK 7 POINTS: 75
JEFF: I don’t think you’d make a very good zombie (-10 points) because none of the other zombies would get your baseball analogies and you’d just end up striking out with all of them. But you’re not doing too bad in Survivor. Sure, you changed your mind pretty quickly about keeping Penner around as a human shield and now he hates you for betraying him (-10 points) but he’s a veteran and veterans are always the biggest targets so it’s hardly your fault (+20 points). You did well in the Immunity Challenge (+10 points) making it to the end with your batboy Carter. As long as nobody is on to your true identity, you’re still in a good spot overall (+20 points). WEEK 7 POINTS: 30
CARTER: I suppose you’d make a pretty good zombie (+10 points) considering you don’t talk much anyway and you’re always starving and making weird stink faces. Those are key components of zombie life. Congrats on winning immunity (+50 points) and nice little work on praising Jeff at the end (+10 points). We all know you would have lasted longer than Jeff had it come to it, but it was good that you stroked his baseball, um, ego. There wasn’t much else of you this episode save for a few romantic walks you seemed to take with Jeff. I think it’s cute that you two discuss your decision making like all good couples should. WEEK 7 POINTS: 70
MALCOLM: You made it to the merge (+25 points) with the idol (+50 points) but then you let your guard down while Blair hung laundry up (-30 points). Good thing it was Blair and not Abi, although Abi would never voluntarily do anything for someone anyway, because Blair’s not a threat to your safety. But you came clean with her and tied an alliance knot with her and Denise in a bizarre mommy three-way with you in the middle. It all sounds so complicated but at the end of the day you’re still in a very sweet spot (+20 points). And despite everything your name remained off the votes come tribal council. Good job (+10 points). No go forth with your mommies and prosper. WEEK 7 POINTS: 75
SKUPIN: Finally, an episode where you’re not getting yelled at for eating too much rice, or making deals involving rice (+20 points). You’d make a horrible zombie (-10 points) because all you would want to still eat is rice, instead of living flesh like the rest of the zombies. It was cute how you and Penner made out imaginarily when the merge happened. I’m sure it was a great feeling to know Russell had not made it but you and Penner had (+10 points). You sucked at the Immunity Challenge though as the first one out (-20 points). Being the first one out in a challenge right after merge is weak. And dangerous. WEEK 7 POINTS: 0
ABI-MARIA: You would be one of the best zombies ever (+10 points) because you seem to be out for blood on a regular basis anyways. I know you’re in business school. I can’t imagine I would really like you should I ever sit across a conference room table from you. But you’re great for Survivor. In fact, you’re the zombie brawn behind Pete’s zombie brain. You wait until RC is out before dropping out of the Immunity Challenge yourself (+20 points) although everyone should be fighting for that immunity necklace at some point. I do wonder what that some point is for you. And although you were just a little bit crazy and wrong in your tribal council spat with RC, you stood your ground and I appreciated that (+10 points). You don’t realize it was Pete, and so you are standing behind your logic and flawed context. Until I know I’m wrong, I’m always right. You’re still freaky crazy though. Happy Halloween. WEEK 7 POINTS: 40
RC: You’d make a successful zombie since you can always swim an ocean to the nearest country for fresh flesh to devour. But unfortunately, your inner swimming beast was not much help to you in Survivor. I didn’t like you at first watch, but you grew on me as I smirked at your level-headedness clashing with the hot-headedness in Abi. But alas, you and the Brazilian were not meant to vibe and you were not meant to win Survivor. Bye. FAIL
ARTIS: I never thought I’d say this at the start of the season, but you would make a fantastic zombie (+10 points). You have some deeply rooted and raw wrath in you and as a cancer survivor I imagine your grit and grind in life is the result. It doesn’t seem you are sharing much of your life experiences with everyone else, unless we are not being shown that specific footage. But I commend you for going from invisible to a cranky zombie-friendly triumvirate made up of you, Pete and Abi (+30 points). An alliance of three is never a bad thing. You held out for so long in the Immunity Challenge, before dropping out to leave Jeff and Carter to hug it out, but you couldn’t pull a win. You have your eye on the prize though and I like that. Should you get to the end you have a great argument to be made about your “what you see is what you get” style (+10 points). WEEK 7 POINTS: 40
BLAIR: Oh Blair, you would make the saddess zombie ever (-10 points) because you would tear the flesh off of Malcolm and then cry “I didn’t mean to! I didn’t mean to!” like you did when you discovered his idol. But it very cute, as were the little things Malcolm was saying about your “estrogen kicking in” and referring to you as “the church lady”. He sounded a bit Romney but we know he wasn’t really disparaging you at all. But it’s good that you teamed up with him (+10 points) and Denise (+10 points) but also take everything with a “grain of salt” (+10 points). Well done, Blair. My, how much you have progressed since crying by the well squatting in the rain (+20 points). Penner believes you could end up in the final three because you are non-threatening and “a pretty cool lady” so clearly you’re doing something very right in multiple facets of the game (+20 points). Carry on. (Oh, and I made a miscalculation last week and owe you points. It will be on the scorecard!) WEEK 7 POINTS: 60
PETE: You would be a very capable zombie (+10 points) who plants things to get zombies to turn on each other. But you are rude and wrong in saying Skupin has “no brain of his own” (-10 points). Don’t be so immature. Not only does Skupin have quite an enviable brain, but as a zombie you would be all over that. You kinda sucked in the Immunity Challenge, although I’m sure it’s quite difficult to keep a quarter of your body weight off the ground. At least you weren’t the first one out. But congrats on making it to the merge and solidifying alliances and tightening up a few loose ends to ultimately boot RC. You followed through (+20 points). Plus you made Abi look crazy at tribal council (+20 points). I can appreciate all of that. WEEK 7 POINTS: 40
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And so in the spirit of Halloween, I am also handing out a treat to each remaining castaway. 50 additional points to each zombie for making it to the merge!
And here’s a treat for you all reading. My little Noah and his first Halloween experience. He’s quite a character, and sometimes a clown.
Hope everyone had a fun and safe Halloween!
And at the end of this, the seventh week: Denise is #1! And Blair has made some moves all the way up to #3!