As a fan, I’m loving that we’re on what seems like season four thousand of Survivor. As a writer, it’s hard coming up with new stuff about the same show for the four thousandth time. As a fan, I love that there are not-roughly 900 castaways to start this season. As a writer, writing up twenty assessments is a daunting task. But I like things that daunt me. Go ahead daunt me I dare you, or something like that.
Fans vs. Favorites season, again. So let’s break everyone down:
~ ~ ~ THE FAVORITES aka Bikal Tribe ~ ~ ~
Erik: You were a rookie your first time around on the original Fans vs. Favorites season in Micronesia. I watched your season and I can see why you’re back. I think it’s so cool that you’re a comic book artist, but that has nothing to do with anything right now. Hopefully you’re not as naïve as you were the first time. Do what Ozzy could never do, and win!
Andrea: You were on Survivor: Redemption Island aka the one Boston Rob won. You made it to jury. I watched this season. You had a pretty good balance going on and you didn’t want to massage Boston Rob’s balls all the time like everyone else did, figuratively speaking. I liked that. In the name of reality television research, I do lurk in many places for information and you have been everywhere. Please dominate in challenges and fight with Corinne.
Corinne: You were on Survivor: Gabon aka the season I didn’t watch in its entirety. I was busy trying to keep my job during major lay-offs in banking. I failed and missed parts of your season of and well, I found you refreshing. Sometimes you make me feel like an amateur in tearing into people publicly, which happens almost never. I’d love to see you in the Big Brother house, actually. Plus, your hobby is “Shutting down small talk.” And you say you’re going to break people down and “eat them alive”. I believe you, after watching your performance at the final Tribal Council. You are the v-a-g-i-n-a in villain.
Brandon: You’re back. You and your “Inspiration In Life” Jesus Christ. You were on Survivor: South Pacific and I saw you set fire to Mikayla with your little demon eyes, figuratively speaking. Your pet peeves are stupid people and I’m just to leave that one alone. But you say that you’re on the show for “money, money, money!!!” and I hope you got some. Without having to hide that you’re Russell’s nephew and without Coach controlling you, maybe you won’t have as many mental breakdowns this time, like you did your season. Hopefully you’ve learned from your maniacal mistakes the first time around, and you’ll kick non-Hantz ass in challenges. Just don’t go near any pork rinds or Froot Loops.
Dawn: So you’re back too. Also from South Pacific, where you cried yourself to a mental breakdown but eventually tried to play the game…and then went on to bake a lot of cakes once the season was over. Like Mother Theresa, if Mother Theresa baked. Random. I can’t believe you liken yourself to Kim from One World and Stephenie “The” LaGrossa. No way. But let’s see what happens.
Cochran: You round out the South Pacific threesome, with Brandon and Dawn. I enjoyed you and making fun of you too, immensely, your season. I’m pulling for you, again, more because of Ian’s “Big Brother” win last year. I hope you don’t do the exact same things you did the first time around. It won’t be as endearing.
Francesca: You were also on Survivor: Boston Rob Wins and you got screwed, kinda, but I’m not sure why you’re back other than to be reunited with crazy Phillip Sheppard. And of course CBS will make you guys rehash the” Francesquagate” right away. But it will be entertaining nonetheless.
Phillip: You were also on the season Boston Rob won, coming in second. You’ve published a book since then, that your face graces the cover of, and from the sounds of your most recent interviews you are still as kooky as ever. This is good. You say you will go after Francesca again. Wonderful. I look forward to whatever underwear you strut your crazy stuff in. Please choose a woman as your Mentalist this time.
Brenda: Yesss! You’re that super hot girl from Survivor: Nicaragua that I crushed on all seaon! I remember you owned some outdoorsy sport-type company and you were strong in challenges and in strategy. I watched your season, and always wondered where you’d gone post-Survivor. Hopefully this time you’re not as naïve when it counts. And congrats on the engagement.
Malcolm: Back-to-back seasons for you. Okay. Your personal claim to fame, “Once I spent over a month with Abi-Maria Gomes, and I’m still considered legally sane by the state of California.” Nice. Overall, I liked you. And you gave lots of women “lady boners” last season, probably why you had so many votes for fan favorite. Are you going to do another mommy alliance and attach yourself to Dawn?
~ ~ ~ THE FANS aka Gota Tribe ~ ~ ~
Laura: You, like Francesca, have climbed major mountains. Perhaps you can bond over that and form a climbing alliance. Your pet peeves are “Ignorance, intolerance and arrogance: and words ending in –ance, so much for that alliance. You say you’re “not sentimental”. So you may survive Corinne’s scathing tongue, it remains to be seen. You liken yourself to Brenda Lowe, so I’m looking forward to seeing how you react to being on the show with her. You talk a lot of talk, but instead of doubting you, I’ll look forward to seeing you walk the walk.
Sherri: You own a fast food franchise and enjoy pilates, two things that don’t usually live together in harmony. Your pet peeves are “Liars, clutter and anything dirty” yet you chose Survivor. You are also a Parvati lover and on paper you seem to be a supermom, business owner, and workout freak. Hopefully you don’t get all star-struck upon seeing the Favorites returning and kick some veteran ass in the challenges.
Matt: Your “inspiration in life” is some dude who grew the longest beard ever. I’m so surprised. But you make up for it by claiming you’re most proud of being a dad to two sons. One of your hobbies is “beards”. Ew. You liken yourself to Ruper, who has a beard. Okay. I’m looking forward to what you and your beard bring to the challenges.
Hope: You’re a Pre Law Student whose bio sounds like a resume. You liken yourself to Andrea Boehlke and Brenda Lowe, oh what a coincidence, they’re both on the show with you. You describe yourself as a “nice” girl, which makes me dread having to watch you. I hope you’re not a bore who ends up in love with the veterans.
Eddie: Hey Mr. Fireman, from New Jersey. You want “to play the game like Boston Rob” and your entire bio is a string of clichés not even worth the characters it would take to quote you. Please don’t end up being a meathead. But if you’re going to be one, please walk around as naked as possible while meatheading around the island.
Julia: You’re the youngest castaway, at 21, and you’re a…racecar driver?! Very cool. Your “Inspiration in Life” is Paul Newman. Like, okay. I like his salad dressings too. I’m glad to see you on this season though, you’ll probably be something like Andrea was her first season. Very competitive and quick on your feet, I hope.
Alexandra: The bartender, and also former “Editor-In-Chief” of your school’s magazine. You have a lot of pet peeves and sounds a little angry in your bio, but you say you’d love to have eyeliner with you on the island. And, well, as an avid eyeliner consumer myself you’re cool for now. If you’re gonna go “Jenna” on use and “know when to use sex appeal, when to play dumb, when to win and when to be smart”, you’d better do it right.
Michael: I’m not sure what you do for a living, since some intern at CBS botched up that part of your bio. But I love that photobombing is one of your hobbies, and I hope you will confessionalbomb lots of people and get in trouble for it. The fact that you say you’re most like Cirie and Rob Cesternino makes me like you more. Perhaps you can boohoo to Dawn a little bit about your personal life and have her adopt you on the island.
Shamar: I always have high hopes for war veterans casted on Survivor, although they never win their respective seasons. You, like Alexandra, look up most to your grandmothers. How sweet. You say you want to use Survivor “to bring awareness to economical/social injustices and to bring honor and respect back to my community while inspiring the forgotten”. That’s a lot. You know this is a television game show right?
Reynold: As a real estate agent, your “Inspiration in Life” is Tom Brady and one of your pet peeves is winter. Okay. You say you perform well in challenges like Colby Donaldson and “flirt like Parvati Shallow”. Wow. I may puke because I have to type out the following quote from you, “I’m a charmer. I dazzle people. They adore me and open up to me…” Let’s see what happens dear alpha male.
~ ~ ~
There. The twenty we will be watching every Wednesday beginning tomorrow. Is that enough for you? I think that’s A LOT.
See you next week for my first Power Rankings Blog of the new Survivor season!