One World Recap: Jerky Men & Dramatic Women

Hi everyone! Welcome to a brand new season of Survivor with a brand new cast. This was maybe not the most exciting premiere in the history of Survivor, but there were certainly some fireworks!

The season starts off with Jeff in helicopter over the cast riding in a truck. I guess even Survivor is having budget cuts. Wasn’t it just recently that everyone showed up in helicopters?

The first cast member we get to hear from is the guy I said I was going to love to hate this season, Colton. (Sidenote: if you missed my pre-cast analysis, I had said I was going to love to hate Colton. He read my article and tweeted me that he was a Dolly fan anyhow and he thought I was, in fact, going to hate that I loved him). I’m afraid Colton is going to be right. I think I am going to love him. Anyhow, back to the show. He says that girls love him (I can see why) and guys won’t see him as a threat (again, I see why).

Then the whole cast gathers and stands in a line waiting for Jeff Probst to start the show. Because they were standing in a random order (men mixed in with women), they had nothing to tip them off that the tribes would be divided along gender lines. At least in Vanuatu, we had already been split up, men over here and women over there for the welcome ceremony with the natives, so I had a good feeling it was going to be men versus women. Here, they truly had no clue.

Colton gives us his reaction first and he is absolutely horrified. I felt the same way when I heard that news. Everyone thinks about their strategy before the game starts (hence the opening sequence of Alicia saying if dudes like her they’ll get played and Jay saying he’s going to make an alliance with the girls) and having tribes split down gender lines really screws things up for people.

Jeff goes to Sabrina for her reaction. She says “men can’t survive without women.” I hope this is foreshadowing! It clearly was not for THIS episode, but hopefully down the line the women will pull together because god those men are obnoxious.

We have not just one, but two grown men on this season who fancy themselves to be Tarzan. One cannot properly pronounce it and says “Tar-ZAN” with the wrong empha-SIS on the wrong syl-LA-ble. The other calls himself “Troyzan” and immediately calls the women out for being “all talk.” Bad moves all around.

Jeff goes to Kourtney in her adorable little hat and she immediately says she doesn’t fit in with the women. Listen, I know better than anyone how hard it can be to fit in with people on Survivor, especially people who you think you’re going to have nothing in common with. But come ON Kourtney, you gotta fake it. You should never throw yourself under the bus like that. Do everything you can to fit in. (Not that I have always been able to employ that strategy, but I know it’s the best thing to do!)

Okay, then Jeff gives the newly formed tribes 60 seconds to strip the truck. He warns them to watch their stuff, but the women don’t heed that warning. Then the slimy (but very cute) banker, Michael steals their stuff. I thought it was brilliant. That is exactly what he should have done given that this is Survivor. He had no idea they were going to all be living on one beach so he did the right thing in that moment.

I have to wonder about the trek to their camps. It is a little known fact that on Survivor some of the “walks” you see are only partial walks and then you are taken by another mode of transportation, usually boat or car, to your camp. On Survivor Vanuatu (and a couple other seasons – Survivor Guatemala comes to mind), we actually had to use a map and trek for many hours to our camp. Though we weren’t carrying anything but that’s because we weren’t given anything. Here, the guys were carrying a lot of stuff, but who knows how far they actually walked.

The dynamic of starting the game of Survivor is that you never want to appear weak. Jonas hit on that when he said he was dying but pretending he was totally fine. Jonas also said he was very impressed by Leif. I can see why. Leif was carrying a heavy load, but I also think Leif had something to prove.

Now flash over to the women. I loved Kourtney’s comment about women. She’s right. Women are crazy. She said women seem warm and compassionate and accepting but then they turn on you. I think the warmth and compassion lasted all of two seconds with this group of women, led by the snarky Alicia.

Alicia made an alliance of five very quickly. Alicia said she knew the core five in a matter of seconds. Although we saw the Coach, Sophie, Albert, Brandon, Rick alliance in the first few minutes of last season, I doubt they’d give us the final five up front again, so unfortunately I don’t think it bodes well for the alliance of Alicia, Kim, Chelsea, Sabrina and Kat.

I knew I was going to love Kim. And I do. I love her. First of all, Kim has amaaaaazing teeth! They’re perfect. She is gorgeous. And she’s so real. I loved that she admitted she isn’t about “women power” but is going with it. I love her. Love.

My instincts, however, are not always right. I thought I was going to like Matt. Not so much. He says he’s not a ladies man. You don’t say! God he came off as such an arrogant, condescending jerk. No wonder lawyers get a bad name.

Matt says, well I’m in an alliance with the young, fit guys and everyone else is screwed. I’m sitting pretty in my dominant alliance. Wow. He’s a jerk. And by the way, isn’t it 9 of them? This is Vanuatu all over again! 4 young guys in an alliance and think they have the numbers. Aside from looking at their abs, I will not be sad to see them go.

I loved the scene of them chasing chickens! I loved the clown music that went along with it and I’m sure that was the same music they played when I was chasing pigs in Vanuatu. Unfortunately I did not have the same result as our resident country girl, Chelsea, who nabbed two chickens easily!

You know who else I was right about? Sabrina. I adore her. I love her relationship with “country club” Colton. I love that he was smart enough to tell the girls up front he needed the idol, that she was savvy enough to look for and find it (TERRIBLE hiding job by production), and that she then gave it to him. I hope he uses it wisely.

I did not understand why Alicia was so upset about Christina negotiating the woven mats in exchange for fire. I thought that was smart. Alicia says Christina is going to be the first to go because she’s being friendly with the guys. This whole thing didn’t make sense to me.

Then we have our first challenge of the season. Jeff warns everyone to keep their arms in and land on their backs. Nina does a face plant. Colton jumps in the most hilarious way (okay Colton, you are seriously winning me over here), and Kourtney jumps like an idiot and breaks her wrist. Too bad about that but she wasn’t long for this game anyhow.

Now, I understand that the producers would not want to medivac someone out during the first challenge of a season, but that is NOT grounds to change the rules that exist for a reason. You can’t have people leaving the game for medical treatment and then coming back if they check out. On Survivor Vanuatu (back in 2004 – I think I count as a Survivor “original” – where’s my commercial?), I sliced my hand open with a machete. I was gushing blood and thought I had cut all the way down to the bone. All I asked for was an alcohol swab!!! ONE alcohol swab because of the dirty disgusting machete I had nailed myself with. I was told, “Eliza, you can have an alcohol swab, a Band-Aid, and all the medical treatment you want, if you quit the game.” I was going to be forced out if I wanted an alcohol swab and now people are permitted to get x-rays and then come back into the game. COME ON.

Okay, now back to the challenge. I blame production for how terribly that went down. I think it was a HUGE miscalculation by Jeff who thought that the men were going to opt to continue. And yes, it was so scummy of them to win the first challenge like that. BUT, Jeff should have let one of the men sit out who hadn’t yet crossed the beam or had one of the women go twice. He should never have given them that option because of course they were going to take it! Hopefully they saw both Chris Daugherty and Daniel Lue try to cross a balance beam and so they definitely did the right thing. There was no need to take that risk. But it did make for a lame opening to the season.

When the ladies arrived at tribal and Kourtney wasn’t there, it was obvious that she wasn’t coming back. Of course she would have been at tribal if she was going to return to the game. So the arguing that went down was entirely unnecessary. Alicia (the special education teacher, keep in mind), said “if we were in Chicago, I would punch you in your face” to Christina. Not the most mature thing to say.

Can the women pull it together? Will the guys keep being jerks? Will we actually get to see a challenge take place? What did you guys think of the premiere? I can’t wait to hear your thoughts!

I hope you’ll all join me next week for my recap of Survivor One World. Until then, don’t forget to follow me on twitter @eorlins where I’m always tweeting about reality TV. Signing off for now, with dramatic girl power and jerky guys, xoxo, Eliza.