“Every crack is an opportunity.” Who said it?!
Last night’s episode was all over the place, from beginning to tribal council end, that I thought back to the very first hot mess of a tribal council.
Where is Zane?! Have any of you pondered this at some point after his departure? I did. Just now, as a matter of fact, I googled him. Zane Knight. And I found an old interview he’d done, plus his Twitter account. His Twitter account is in a sad state of affairs as I saw he’d begged Penner for a follow and made out with Pete all in a span of five tweets.
This would be considered “borderline stalking” if I weren’t a reality television writer. Just so you know.
But I’ll share a quote from one of Zane’s pre-season interviews:
“I’m going to be a Rubik’s Cube. I think you look at me and you see these tattoos and the demeanor that comes with me, and you automatically think he’s going to be an ass. Then you look at these blue eyes and you don’t tell me you don’t love me.”
Yeah. Did you take away the same glaring point I did? Zane thinks the Rubik’s Cube is an ass. Yeah.
And speaking of asses, there are now nine asses left in the game of Survivor with Jeff Kent gone.
JEFF: I said last week that you were in a good spot overall. That must have been your kiss of death. It seems everyone on Tandang but Malcolm wrote your name down, so Tandang got the best of you after all. So much for being “Top Dog”. But at least you got to enjoy a “River cruise through the jungle with ribs, potato salad, cornbread, apple pie, lemonade and iced tea” before you were cut. You’ve been sent back down to the Minor Leagues called Ponderosa. I will miss you though, which I never thought I’d say. FAIL
But let’s discuss the nine remaining, by Survivor status (SINGLE, MARRIED, IT’S COMPLICATED):
MARRIED: Meaning, said person’s main alliance is a two-man alliance.
DENISE (MARRIED to Malcolm): You’re now safe through seven tribal councils (+15 points) and you voted Pete out this last tribal council, although Jeff’s the one who went home. I would have voted Pete, too, if I’d been you. I thought it was great that you came clean to Penner (+10 points) as he is one who appreciates that type of come-cleanedness. And you held up well in the Reward Challenge (+10 points). You seem to be in a pretty sweet spot right now as Malcolm still possesses the idol (+10 points) and you possess him (+15 points) in the form of an alliance. Although you two are faithful to each other, it’s Malcolm’s name that is lighting fire under people’s asses. Good for you (+15 points). WEEK 8 POINTS: 75
MALCOLM: You went from sitting pretty with chunks of ribs stuck in your teeth, to chaos and confessions at tribal council. It turns out putting your “faith in a little Texan girl” named Blair (Lisa, I know) was not a good investment in faith (-10 points). You never had a choice though, as she stumbled upon your idol accidentally. And boy was I wrong when I said you’d lucked out that it was Blair who found your idol. She turned you out like a fact of life! But you then whip your idol out during tribal council and shake it all about doing Survivor hokey pokey hocus pocus to come out the other side safe and still with the idol in your possession. Brilliant move by the way, not using it (+50 points). WEEK 8 POINTS: 40
SKUPIN: You sucked in the Reward Challenge last night, and came up short in the Immunity Challenge (-20 points). And although we don’t see much footage of you and Blair talking strategy, clearly you two took some secret wedding vows among fairies in the forest because you vote together. I’m glad you are sticking to your ties to Blair (+25 points). And though I admire your devotion to your original tribe, I do believe you lost an opportunity to send Pete packing. But you didn’t bleed out of any major organs or eat too much beans or rice so I suppose it was another good week for you. Your name remained off the votes so you did something right (+10 points). I don’t think we’re seeing enough of you, in general, but I do wonder what you spend your time doing so I can find it easier to award you points. WEEK 8 POINTS: 15
BLAIR: I take back what I said last week about you being a sad zombie. Clearly, you’re more than capable of rationalizing things judging from the moves you made this week. We should have known when we saw footage of Jeff referring to you as “so soft and naïve and nice” that you would go all rogue. From outing Malcolm to reeling Skupin back in then immediately going head-to-head with that menace of an Abi, you have come so far this season (+50 points). This will be the pivotal moment for you as you seem to have bitten off more than you could properly chew in any lady-like fasion, but I believe in you! Don’t let me down Blair. You still voted out Jeff instead of Pete, which makes little sense considering you bickered with Abi right before the vote (-10 points) but perhaps you too wanted to show your loyalty to Tandang. Keep strong Blair. And keep up that “promising the world and universe” talk, it’s very soothing. WEEK 8 POINTS: 40
SINGLE: At the end of the day, said person is an island and possible swing vote.
PENNER (SINGLE): You actually did it. You won the Immunity Challenge and earned that immunity necklace (+50 points) when you needed to (+50 points) while everyone was cheering for anyone but you (+25 points) and this was also your first individual immunity win in three seasons (+15 points). It took all of Probst’s willpower not to jump into your arms and celebrate he was so thrilled for you after screaming over and over at the top of his lungs “Get your fingers in there and rip that thing open!”. And you did pretty well in the first half of the Reward Challenge but shined putting together that puzzle with Jeff at the end (+20 points). Last week’s previews misled me to think you’d be an obnoxious tyrant this episode, but you were sufficiently angry about the betrayal at last tribal council without going overboard (+10 points). Your vote for Abi baffled me at first but I’m thinking now that you did it so you could later tell Jeff you didn’t write his name down? I wish you’d voted for Pete so there was a tiebreaker. Sigh. WEEK 8 POINTS: 170
CARTER (SINGLE): You’re back to being mute and pretty much invisible again. Yay for us (+10 points). Either you’re getting an unfair edit or it really is better for everyone involved when you don’t talk. Either way, you’ve lost your mentor and only friend Jeff (-10 points) but this may be good for you (+15 points) as it frees you up. And seeing as how you haven’t pissed anyone off royally, you are still less of a target than Pete, Malcolm or Penner (+10 points). I’m still grappling with that random line from you that the producers threw in, in which you so nonchalantly relay that the plan is to vote Jeff off, to Jeff. WEEK 8 POINTS: 25
IT’S COMPLICATED: Said person makes things complicated.
ABI-MARIA: When you cried “ludicrous” all I could envision was Ludacris. I love that you are just crazy enough not to have to be medicated (+20 points). I don’t like you but I love you, if that makes any sense? You start pissing off your only real ally in the game (-10 points) and reveal your cards to Carter because you can’t STFU when you’re supposed to (-10 points) and then pull out the idol at tribal council FOR NO GOOD REASON (-50 points) besides the fact that you’re just crazy enough not to have to be medicated. It actually makes total sense, and it’s certainly entertaining to watch (+25 points). It was refreshing to actually see you compete. And you proved you CAN do something when you went out on the first leg of the Reward Challenge and performed well (+10 points). I wonder when Probst will start in on you like he did with Katie, because clearly he thinks not very much of you. WEEK 8 POINTS: -15
ARTIS: Although you have a default “Evil Three” alliance going on with Abi and Pete, you are also very single in many ways. Thus, you are complicated. But your name remains off the votes (+20 points) and you performed well in the Reward Challenge digging up that key as if you were a sand crab (+10 points). And although I find you such a sourpuss, I do have respect for your “I wanted the reward but I’m here to win so I can eat beans and rice for another 19 days” attitude (+20 points). I think you are safest amidst the other two evil ones in your threesome, and you probably have the most leverage as well (+15 points). Perhaps you could go off with Single Penner and Single Carter and form a different threesome. WEEK 8 POINTS: 65
PETE: I wonder if you now know how RC felt when dealing with Abi Unplugged. You cast aside Blair’s legitimate plan to blindside Malcolm (-10 points) and when Malcolm denies he has the idol you fail to see that he is lying and pissing his pretty boy pants (-10 points) and in fact tell us that you know Malcolm doesn’t have the idol. You are so wrong about so many things but it’s because of your boycrush on Malcolm. But I don’t blame you. I didn’t even like Malcolm at first but I too am crushing. But you need to wake up. Reign Abi in and win immunity if you want to stay. She’s unraveling everything but her tangled web of hair and she’s a liability to everyone. This is not good for you (-10 points). But, WTF do I know, Survivor is not live like Big Brother. It sucks that you swam well in the first leg of the Reward Challenge (+10 points) but you sucked at the end at the puzzle (-15 points). And you were so strong up until the very end at the Immunity Challenge but Penner robbed you like the tortoise he is to your hare. Good luck. WEEK 8 POINTS: -35
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Do you guys agree with my thinking? I realize everyone’s all pretty complicated at this point, but I do believe there are stronger ties within others. At the core.
And at the end of this, the eighth week: We have a new leader. Penner! Penner is #1. I didn’t mean to. It just happened. Congrats to him.
~ Before I sign off from here in Belgium, I’d like to say job well done to ALL of the Americans who voted this week when so many people around the world are not afforded the opportunity to vote. Or vote yet. Or anymore.
See you all next week.