I love how the producers tried to make this week’s episode about Ozzy but it really turned out to be The Cochran Show. It seems Cochran managed to have individual talks with everyone and their lawyer this week.
And I realize lots of things are looking good to me now that I’m past the morning sickness of Trimester Past, but shit, the spread of food following the merge looked pretty tasty did it not?! Minus the pretzels. I don’t know why they’d give these people pretzels after 20 days on a deserted island. At first, I was like “WTF is that in that bowl” and then I finally figured out it was pretzels! Ok. I’m over it now. I promise.
What I CAN’T let go of is the fact that Slimy Semhar took her spoken word to the streets in slurred fashion and got arrested for a DUI. Screw her and her hot mess self, but really, thank goodness there no innocent victims of her dumbass moves that night.
Anyway…moving on…NO MORE tribes, no more red or blue buffs…we are now:
TE TUNA: Yeah. Exactly. Do we even need a tribe name at this point? Can’t we just call them Survivor: South Pacific and be done with it?
OZZY: You succeeded where BB13’s Lawon failed. And your hair is nicer than his. This is probably the nicest I will be to you all season.
Regardless of the fact that you convinced noone (-5 points) with your theatrics at the Redemption Island duel, you fulfilled your Phillip Sheppard prophecy and beat Christine, you returned to the game (+10 points). Then you pretty much kicked ass and won individual immunity, beating out the other 7 pairs of testicles in the running (+10 points). Well done. Btw, were you I the car with Semhar last week? Just asking…because you continue to do STUPID shit like she does. WTF was up with the whole idol fiasco at tribal council (-5 points)? You’ve got some baggage dude…see a shrink about that “show and tell” problem you’ve got.
Ozzy’s Overall Point Tally: +10 points
DAWN: I felt for you this week…I really did…but then you kept making those faces while you cried and then you lost me.
So one minute you’re pulling on our heart-strings claiming you should have done more to defend your buddy Cochran (+5 points) and then you had a one-sided chat with God apparently and you decided to turn against him yet again (-5 points)…all the while all I can think about while watching it all unfold is…Oliver Twist… “Please sir, can I have some more?”…
I’m not saying you had to flip with Cochran, but the whole flip-flopping wasn’t cool…and made your “anti-bully” campaigning fake, like so many people out there who talk to the talk but when the time comes don’t do shit. But, good for you winning individual immunity on behalf of ovaries everywhere. You beat out chicks half your age and managed not to ugly-cry or cackle like a witch like you did a few weeks ago. You did it by yourself, for yourself, with nobody’s help (+10 points). Yay.
Dawn’s Overall Point Tally: +10 points
KEITH: I can’t believe you’re “gone” and we never got to see you and Whitney makeout.
Dude, what’s up with the bad sportsmanship following the Immunity Challenge (-5 points)? What, did you take a page out of Ozzy’s book from last week when you decided to punch that prop only to sit there like an idiot afterwards in pain holding on to your now-swelling hand? Poor conduct. Ew.
And I personally didn’t find anything wrong with you telling Cochran “I don’t live my life with other people fighting my battles for me” because by all means, he should actually redeem himself for the poor performances in challenges…but it, and other snide remarks, came back to bite you in your fine ass and you got voted out (-10 points). But you saw it coming. We could see it in the faces you made…
Keith’s Overall Point Tally: -15 points
WHITNEY: Oh damn girl, what are you gonna do now? Keith is gone…there’s no room for romance in this tribe it seems…
You didn’t do too hot in the Immunity Challenge although I had high hopes for you (-5 points). But you managed to score the immunity idol somehow (+5 points), although you didn’t need it, to keep yourself at tribal. And although you lost your #1 ally (-5 points), you managed to make production blur out your dirty little words and well, that made me smile (+5 points).
Whitney’s Overall Point Tally: 0 points
JIM: Different strokes for different folks…and you were SO Arnold this week at tribal council!
Oh man were you just a little bit surprised by Cochran’s move this week! You should have seen it coming you know-it-all, but I thank you for the entertainment value in your face alone (+5 points), Gary Coleman would have been proud.
WTF was up with you calling Cochran a coward though (-5 points), when all was said and done? You basically had a little hissy fit that you accused Ozzy of having just a few weeks ago (-5 points). I thought Cochran made a pretty ballsy move in my opinion. Who the hell wants to leave their fate to some freaking rocks?! Yeah, Cochran made a few mistakes, but shit…he took his game into his own hands and that’s not cowardice in my book. Don’t get too cocky there Potman…Cochran just may drink all your milk and leave you choking on your pot brownies.
Jim’s Overall Point Tally: -5 points
COCHRAN: Thanks for the comic relief at the start of the episode where you mimicked Al Pacino …” First you get the egomaniac returning player voted out, then you get his idol, then you get the million dollars”. That was great.
Dude, you totally suck at challenges…I mean, you and Edna were the first ones out of your genital group (-5 points). However, now that the merge has happened, being the weakest link may actually be an advantage (+5 points). I mean, look at all the progress you’ve made so far getting a bulldog aka Psycho Perv Brandon to protect you. OMG. Please be careful. We all saw what happened to Tobias Beecher on OZ.
I don’t think it was necessary for you to reveal every single thing to the old Upolu tribe, but hey, you’re not perfect. That said, you put yourself in a stickier situation than necessary (-5 points). But I think it’s great that you did SOMETHING. And I also applaud you for giving Ozzy his idol back (+5 points) because I just don’t see how that would have gone down any other way. Besides, it helped back up your story as the “victim” of Savaii bullies…” Keith is consistently rude, Jim has a big temper”. Clearly you struck a chord with Coach and Brandon because one was bullied and one a former bully. Ew, but good work (+5 points).
Cochran’s Overall Point Tally: +5 points
COACH: Thanks for grossing me out with all the burps. Not.
Like seriously, it was a good idea to pull Cochran aside and make him think you care and all…but did you have to trigger that burp parade? I got sick just watching you. Ew (-5 points). But kudos on getting all that info out of Cochran (+5 points) and sharing a bit of your own. And when I say a bit, I mean A LOT…”I’ve been made fun of my whole life…I might be the dragon slayer now…but…” and throughout all this the music is awesome. You succeeded in making Cochran flip, and for that I give you credit (+5 points).
Coach’s Overall Point Tally: +5 points
BRANDON: Wow. No tears this week. And your “That’s what you get for talking to people like that in the first place” to Jim had me rolling. Nice job.
And I can’t believe you didn’t peg Whitney as a “whore” right away (+5 points). But I guess that title is to stay with Mikayla. Good for you for finding a muse to play with…clearly your badboy past is pushing you towards Cochran, to be his hero or sorts. Works for me, and works for Cochran obviously (+5 points). Just take it easy on Cochran and don’t go branding him on the ass with “Little Loco” or something.
Brandon’s Overall Point Tally: +10 points
EDNA: I’m so over you.
You were the first one out of the Immunity Challenge (-5 points), of course. Had you been given a pair of chopsticks instead of some rope, I’m sure you would have held on to that coconut a little longer. I know I work better with chopsticks anyday. You continue to do nothing as far as strategy (-5 points) except to continue slithering under the weekly radar (+5 points) leading Probst to ask you a question during tribal council just to remind everyone you’re still in the game. However, like Cochran, your weakness as a competitor may serve you well now post-merge (+5 points). But really, did you really apply for the show to be just a wallflower?
Edna’s Overall Point Tally: 0 points
ALBERT: I really like you. You’re clever…and quick with the comebacks. I could use you in my Twitter corner.
Your “Ozzy did his Broadway show” cracked me up during tribal council (+5 poimts). You made Ozzy so mad he went all bitch-fest about having the idol again! You seem to get away with voicing your opinion week to week without any repercussion. Skillz.
And hello hotness and determination during the Immunity Challenge…you didn’t win but you looked damn good coming in second (+5 points)! You sure can handle your cocnuts. Just be careful this week…you’re gonna have Ozzy gunning for you!
Albert’s Overall Point Tally: +10 points
SOPHIE: Girl, you are looking cuter too week to week…even…feminine.
You seemed to pick up on Ozzy’s lie too during the Redemption Island duel (+5 points). Good for you. Smart cookie you are. And your line during tribal council that Ozzy’s theatrical performance was “pathetic” was just awesome (+5 points). You settle deeper into my heart with every episode.
And when Cochran was feeling hesitant about “spilling the beans” to you and Coach and Albert, your “The beans were pretty loose” cemented the deal and also got you some major snark points too (+5 points). So far you and Dawn seem to be the only vajayjays actually actively playing the game.
Sophie’s Overall Point Tally: +15 points
RICK: Dude. Probst says you have cowboy strength but all I see is a worn-out cowboy.
Like, seriously, you went out after Cochran in the Immunity Challenge (-5 points) and having done much of nothing else, you managed to get your name written down during tribal council (-5 points). Are you gonna be another Edna and just coast through? Cuz that’s just boring and it makes people who REALLY wanted a spot on the show to PLAY the game kinda angry.
Rick’s Overall Point Tally: -10 points
And with that we come to the end of individual reviews and I have to thank casting for people like Cochran and Dawn and Albert and Sophie who clearly outshine those like Edna and Rick who are just B-O-R-E-S.
Before we get to this week’s Power Rankings Scoresheet…some notable and shouldn’t-be-notable mentions:
LEAST IMPROVED PLAYER: Rick (-5 points)
Dear Ricky, you went from scoring zero points last week to losing 10 this week. Get a grip Marlboro Man!
MOST IMPROVED PLAYER: Sophie (+5 points)
Nice work girl! You went from 7th place to 6th to 2nd place in a matter of 3 weeks! You’re only 5 points behind 1st place!
UNSUNG HERO: Christine
She should be on Redemption Island…not Keith. I rooted for you…I will miss you Crazy Christine…
And…the moment we’ve been waiting for…well, I have…and I’ve also awarded a free 50 points to everyone for having made the merge (Keith included since he gets to “live”…sigh…boring…)…
Albert still holds onto #1!!!