CBS did Survivor wrong last night. How could they air the premiere of Survivor BEFORE the finale of Big Brother?!
Isn’t that against reality television rules?!
I felt like I was on a date with a guy named Survivor while I really wanted to be back at home making out with Big Brother. And I think I just crossed over into something really weird with that last thought in my sick train of thoughts. So let’s continue this sick train ride!
Unless you stayed away from spoilers purposely, or you’re just lazy, you knew it was Penner, Skupin and Russell coming back. I was excited. As someone who would cry wanting to go home after the first night, I have so much respect for Survivor contestants. I could never do it. But these three did it and paid a price in their health and now have another chance at a win.
These people asked for it. I will give it.
We start off with three pre-selected tribes that Jeff drops Penner, Skupin and Russell, each into. Let’s get onto some points:
KALABAW TRIBE: ”Kalabaw” means “Water Buffalo” apparently. Yeah. They are the red tribe. They win the Immunity Challenge and score a whole fire making kit from Probst as a reward.
PENNER: I didn’t love you in Cook Islands because you were a menace to, my brother from another mother, Yul. But then you grew on me and here you are. As a fan I can see that you are SO freaking in your element and loving it. It’s great to watch (+25 points). Thanks. You found the clue to the hidden immunity idol already (+25 points) but you have not tried to hide the fact that you were looking for it (-15 points). You’re a target anyway because you are a veteran so I suppose it all evens out at some point, just not here in the Power Rankings. You worked well with Dawson on the puzzle during the last leg of the Immunity Challenge (+10 points). Good luck going into next week because Jeff Kent is gunning for your ass. It would suck to have to eat your own cocky words about winning a million dollars 39 days later. WEEK 1 POINTS: 45
DAWSON: Your first name’s Sarah but you go by Dawson, your last name. I don’t know why that bothered me right off the bat but I cast my petty annoyance aside and really came to like you. You figured out right away that Jeff is THE Jeff Kent, but you kept it to yourself (+10 points). You said you recognized Jeff right away because you “spent time with a guy who was into baseball”. You need to define “spent time with” at some point later please and thank you. Good job working that puzzle with Penner (+10 points). There isn’t much else of you this episode because it was all about the veterans and there’s only so much time for the rest of you. But what I did catch was you grabbing a chicken for your tribe in the grab-supplies-and-mad-dash to the island (+15 points). In your 192 seconds of screen time you did great on this premiere. WEEK 1 POINTS: 35
KATIE: You’re a former Miss Delaware. I think of Delaware and I think credit card statements and Dupont. This has nothing to do with anything but I felt the need to share. You’re so, blah. You tell us you don’t like Penner’s “shadiness” because you should all be a family. You went and used the word family (-10 points). You also used the word unity in the same train of thought when you should be more concerned with IMMunity young lady. You and Dana both lost your tribe a lot of time running the first leg of the race (-10 points) but you were lucky that others made it up for you. I want to like you but I need more than two sentences in my notes while I’m watching you. Give me material or I will start deducting more points. Besides, you look like a cross between BB12’s Kristen and BB14’s Danielle. Not good. You said in your bio that your pet peeve is “Bitchy, conceited girls. Those are the girls I love to beat when I compete against them in beauty pageants.” So give me some of that please and thank you. WEEK 1 POINTS: -20
JEFF: Kent, not Probst. I want to call you by your full name, because I am used to calling you by your full name. So Mr. MLB, you nearly blew your knee out before even making it to the island (-10 points). Woah, easy there boy. We get plenty of footage of you, as you are one of the “celebrity” castaways this summer. But I hope you can keep track of everything you’re saying what with your ranch and motocross bike racing and selling and how you came to be cast on the show. By trying to hide your “fame”, which is already blown with at least one person, you need to spin less tales. But nice job rallying everyone against Penner (+25 points). And nice performance in the Immunity Challenge (+20 points). You and Carter helped your team catch up and eventually win. WEEK 1 POINTS: 35
DANA: You’re a superfan of the show (+15 points) so good for you for making it on. You seem grounded and less likely to fold to the pressures or conditions on the island (+5 points). You tell us you grew up fighting boys in the trailer park and somehow that comes off endearing to me. You sucked in the Immunity Challenge (-10 points) but it’s okay because you are also on board to target Penner, keeping the heat off of you. Your “inspiration in life” is Helen Keller according to your bio, which came way out of left field for me – no baseball pun intended, but Keller is as good an inspiration as anyone else I suppose. I look forward to seeing what you have to offer us. I noticed you launched yourself head-first into the water, without hesitation, once Probst barked at everyone to jump ship at the start. I want to see more of that intensity please and thank you. WEEK 1 POINTS: 10
CARTER: Dude. You look the part of the Napoleon Dynamite of Survivor. I love it. You’re a former runner and now track coach so I imagine you’ve got good stamina for upcoming challenges (+10 points). I believe you’ll go pretty far as you’re not coming off as an alpha male, more like a chiseled lesbian, and therefore less threatening (+10 points). But I saw you snatch that chicken before jumping, at Probst’s command, into the ocean. Nice move (+15 points). There’s fire in you. When you need to catch a chicken, or paddle a boat to get your team the lead, you can perform (+15 points). Let’s hear you speak some more though. I don’t think I remember your voice AT ALL. WEEK 1 POINTS: 50
TANDANG TRIBE: “Tandang” means “Rooster”. Okay. They are the yellow tribe. They came in second in the Immunity Challenge and were also awarded immunity, as well as some flint.
SKUPIN: To me, you are SO near-perfect on paper. On screen you are equally pleasant to behold. You’ve aged tremendously well and you are a natural public speaker and so it’s a wonderful reprieve from scripted diary rooms off this last season of Big Brother (+15 points). Thank you. You figure out immediately that your tribemate Lisa is Blair from The Facts of Life and I fall a little deeper in Survivor love with you (+10 points). I can’t believe you’re the only one on your tribe to realize it! And then you tactfully confront her with it privately (+10 points) yet keep it from the rest of your tribe (+10 points). Like, Penner, you are also absorbing every little thing you love about Survivor and it’s refreshing to see someone like you (+10 points) versus a Hantz troll. But you need to slow it down and stop hurting yourself (-15 points). I am accident-prone myself, but hell if I’m going to hurl my body at machetes and trees. Take it easy buddy. And keep an eye out for RC. She’s icky. WEEK 1 POINTS: 40
ABI-MARIA: I’m glad we have a Brazilian girl in the mix this season (+15 points) as everything Brazilian pretty much excites me: the meat, the waxes and bikinis to name a just a few. But I was singing “Ave Maria” in my head during commercial breaks. I know, I need to get over it. Oh, and nice move launching yourself at Skupin with a welcome hug upon his arrival (+10 points) along with a little shoulder rub (+5 points). But you need to not be BFFs with RC, because it makes you shallow (-10 points). Like, calling your tribemate Pete “dumb” when he actually has an engineering degree. RC will be a bad influence on you! You say you want to use your heavy Brazilian accent as a “flirtatious tool” in the game, which makes me want to vomit (-10 points). Good luck with that. And let RC run around like a maniac all she wants making alliances, she will tire herself out eventually. WEEK 1 POINTS: 10
RC: I hear you swam the English Channel. Well, I surf the internet all day so whatevs. No really. You’re hardcore. I’m glad you’re on the island though. It should be fun to watch you pretend not to be an investment banker type chick (+10 points). You’re very aggressive in nature and you’ve already solidified a four-person alliance with Skupin, Abi and Pete. (+15 points) You say you “don’t trust the older lady” in reference to Blair and it makes me want to yell at you (-10 points). Don’t mess with my Blair! Hisssss! But then you also call Blair beautiful later so all is forgiven for now. You say you can handle Survivor because you could handle Wall Street. I said something to that effect about my Big Brother win. Let’s see what you’ve got “Ms. All-or-Nothing”. So far this Immunity Challenge you performed well (+10 points), gaining the lead for your tribe early on (+10 points), with Artis. WEEK 1 POINTS: 35
ARTIS: I know there’s still time yet in the season, but I really wanted you to get more air-time. Particularly so we could learn more about your strength in battles in fighting your cancer. You performed well partnered up with RC in the Immunity Challenge (+20 points). Other than that, CBS failed to give us anything else to hold on to as far as you are concerned. Although we did get to watch you eat some fresh coconut with Skupin. You were very nice to offer to help Skupin when he cut himself with the machete he hacked the coconut with (+5 points). Riveting. WEEK 1 POINTS: 25
BLAIR: OMG BLAIR! OMG BLAIR! I had to get that out. This is al so wonderfully bizarre and random. I don’t care if you have a real-life name, you will be Blair to me as long as you are on my television please and thank you. Your story is one of the more interesting ones this season (+10 points) as you tell us post-childstar days you basically got married and had kids and stayed at home and lost all your money and you’re grappling with your identity as a grown adult. Wow! I don’t even know if you were telling the truth when you told RC and Abi that you run a “mom ministry” but it sounded just wholesome enough to sound creepily true (+10 points). Good for you for not buckling under Skupin’s pressure to “come out” and tell your tribe you are THE BLAIR (+10 points). No need yet. Just keep performing well in challenges like you did this last one (+10 points) and watch your back! RC’s out to get you! WEEK 1 POINTS: 40
PETE: Your voice is quite sexy. This has nothing to do with anything but my silliness, but I just needed to get that out there. You catch on to Abi staring at you like a piece of yummy meat and you like it (+10 points). Awesome. As expected, you’re strong in the Immunity Challenge (+10 points) and well, we don’t get much else about you. I hope you end up showing RC and Abi that you are FAR far dumb later in the season, as it will surely smack them down off their pedestals. Hopefully the producers decide you should get more air-time next episode. And no worries, you are representing New Jersey quite well, thus far (+5 points). You are far from the typical “Jersey Boy” you claim you don’t want to be seen as, in your bio. WEEK 1 POINTS: 25
MATSING TRIBE: “Matsing” means Monkey. Great. They are the blue tribe. And although they are the first tribe to achieve fire at their camp, they lose the Immunity Challenge and have to go to tribal council and cut a biatch.
RUSSELL: Welcome back to the game. Hey, I’ve passed out before in public and it’s not fun. Re-watching your epic medivacuation was still good tv. It seems you can’t shake the leader thing although you claim you don’t want the role. I can see you as a hard core lawyer battling tough cases nobody wants outside of Survivor, but so far you seem to lack some much–needed self awareness. I said “ha” out loud when you commanded Angie to work on the puzzle leg of the Immunity Challenge followed by “hush”ing Roxy when she disagreed. It was entertaining (+25 points) but bad for your game (-20 points). But it’s okay, this week there was this doofus named Zane that saved you from what was to be your exit from the game. I do like you owning up to having delegated tasks poorly though (+10 points). And although you simply stumbled upon the clue to the Hidden Immunity Idol by chance: Congratulations on having it on your possession currently (+10 points). And please don’t get anymore patronizing and condescending though, because I will turn on you. WEEK 1 POINTS: 25
MALCOLM: You are such a Peter Pan. I can see it. Good for you. I’m still young to be a cougar but the puma in me finds you gruff and rough around the edges enough to be good eye candy this season. Work your charms on the ladies, because clearly it’s working (+10 points). You have Denise The Sex Therapist, who looks like Schillinger from Oz, and Angie eating out of the palms of your big hands. You spent a year in Micronesia, which you proclaim proudly as if that’s the be-all-end-all for the season. Or that’s how I heard it. Be careful there fancy pants. You didn’t do too hot with Denise in the Immunity Challenge. Don’t pair up with her anymore unless you want people to know you have an alliance. And have fun. You will probably be around for a while as the ladies need you around camp. With Zane gone, you and Russell will have to pick up his slack. WEEK 1 POINTS:
ZANE: You tell us you are “already a superstar” within the first three days of the show when we barely even knew ya. You are the Lawon ofBig Brother in that you ASKED to be voted out and so you were, indeed, voted out. No matter what your intention, it didn’t work. Lesson learned for you. This makes me sad as I was looking forward to more Zanisms from “crackhead selling three dollar cans” to “I will either strangle you or give you a flower, like Frankenstein did”. ELIMINATED
ANGIE: My goodness you’re only 20. You’re also oh so pretty and the perfect little size for everything. I see you and Malcolm hooking up at some point. Your “I told you I’m not good at puzzles!” to Russell was too petulant too late (-10 points) but it’s good you got that out (+15 points) since poor puzzle performers have been made martyrs in the past. Though both you and Katie from Kalabaw Tribe are pageant girls, I find you much more palatable than I do Katie. This is a good thing for your score and your social game, probably (+15 points). You’re innocent face will get you further as long as you do your part around camp. Just hope your inevitable Malcolm-cuddling at night “for body warmth” doesn’t pique the interest of Denise The Sex Therapist too much. WEEK 1 POINTS: 20
ROXY: After reading in your bio that you’re a seminary student, I was put-off. All me, and nothing to do with you really, but I do appreciate the energy you bring to your tribe (+10 points). You won’t be a controversial Survivor but not everyone has to be. Although your move to veto Russell was a good one (+10 points), you quickly stood down to his authority (-10 points). But it’s still early so I suppose there was no point in picking a battle just yet (+15 points). Aside from having an alliance with Zane, which he had with every moving thing on the island, there wasn’t much of you this premiere episode. Let’s see what you’ve got future preacher girl! WEEK 1 POINTS: 25
DENISE: The Sex Therapist. Your thing is communications and relations (+10 points). Plus, you look like you could bench-press me (+10 points). As one of the most facially strong woman on the show to-date, I both fear you and admire you. You can definitely carry your weight around camp and you watch people constantly (+10 points). If you and Malcolm can pull off a weird mother/son type alliance to the end I would award you 1,000 points. I think there will come a point where one of the ladies has to be cut but the fact that you are not frail like Roxy and Angie will help you. I hope. You definitely have a good head on your shoulders and you figured out it would be best to vote out the weaker Zane over Russell (+10 points). Carry on. WEEK 1 POINTS: 40
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The game is afoot! (Can you name who said that last season?!)
Carter leads Week 1 with 50 points!