I love Survivor. I’ve always loved Survivor. But I’m having a hard time investing any real care in any of the remaining castaways. Why?!?!?!
Is it me? No. It’s them. I’m just…not that into them.
Maybe if I try something different this blog…maybe take it back to 1993 when I graduated high school (and if you’re reading this I expect you to leave a comment below letting me know when YOU graduated high school…for, ahem…research purposes). Let’s play a little Yearbook Mania with these people!
I’ll start with me. Yes. I always make it about me at some point. Well…I graduated as Senior Class President (+10 points according to my momz) but also voted “Class Clown” (-10 according to my momz) so I suppose I ended high school with a score of zero…for example. I can dig up an old high school photo somehow if you dare me to post it. I was very plump and friendly and manipulative then too. Teehee.
Here is my Most Likeliest of Likelies List for Survivor One World:
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KIM: MOST LIKELY TO LOSE ALL HER BREAST FAT (-5 points) because, girl, you look like you’re losing what little body fat you had to start the season with. MOST LIKELY TO DIE OF SPLINTERS IN HER ASS/END UP THE OLD LADY WHO LIVED IN A CANOE (-5 points) because, well, you’re addicted to sitting in that thing aren’t you?
MOST LIKELY TO BE SEEN AS CALM AND SOFTSPOKEN AND FORGETTABLE (+10 points) because, let’s face it, these were your words not mine. Good game plan. Everything’s going according to your plan so far (+5 points).
Kim’s Overall Point Tally: +5 points
CHELSEA: MOST LIKELY TO WIN (+5 points) this season because you “love money” and if you get to the end enough people would vote for you. Good job winning immunity when all the other girls quit for the promise of a sugar rush (+10 points). MOST LIKELY TO BE STALKED BY WEIRD RELIGIOUS FREAKS WHO LIKE FAKE BOOBS (-5 points) because I’m sure I’m not the only one who noticed your “praying” before the Reward Challenge…and Tarzan totally outed you last week about the fake boobs
Chelsea’s Overall Point Tally: +10 points
SABRINA: MOST LIKELY TO BE QUOTED for things like “I likes Troy like I cooked food” (+5 points) and “Put on your big girl panties and make big-girl decisions to get to the end” (+5 points). MOST LIKE TO BE SENT HOME AT SOME POINT for choosing two cookies and a glass of milk over individual immunity (-5 points).
Sabrina’s Overall Point Tally: +5 points
KAT: MOST LIKELY TO RAT ON YOU (-5 points) like how you ran tattletaling to Sabrina about Chelsea. MOST LIKELY TO ACHIEVE ORGASM OVER BARBECUED FOOD (+5 points) like you did before the Reward Challenge. I appreciate chicks who appreciate bbq.
And then you actually scored first for your team (+5 points) which was quite impressive.
Kat’s Overall Point Tally: +5 points
e=”text-decoration: underline;”>TROY: MOST LIKELY TO BE PARANOID AFTER SMOKING A JOINT (+5 points) because it’s just more fun that way…and besides, it made you use your immunity idol (+5 points). I’m glad to see you didn’t follow Kim blindly this week (+10 points). MOST LIKELY TO BE CALLED MONKEY MAN FOR THE REST OF HIS LIFE (-5 points) especially since Kat calls you that.
Troy’s Overall Point Tally: +15 points
JAY: Good for you for trying to get some talks in with people…but you chose chicken wings over immunity. And lay off the helium…and muscle juicing…I hear it makes guys get all high-pitched.
Jay’s Overall Point Tally: FAIL
ALICIA: MOST LIKELY TO SURVIVE IN A SAW MOVIE (+5 points) which may come in handy one day. I actually appreciated your “This is the part where you need to take your heart out of the game and put your brain back in the game, seriously” (+5 points). MOST LIKELY TO MAKE ME LIKE HER A LITTLE MORE with “Like, Chelsea got all sensitive” and such statements (+5 points). MOST LIKELY TO LEAVE WITH A SERIOUS CAVITY (-5 points) after choosing candy and chocolate over individual immunity. Dumbass.
Alicia’s Overall Point Tally: +10 points
CHRISTINA: MOST LIKELY TO BE DISRESPECTED BUT GET FURTHER BECAUSE OF IT (+5 points). Good job on scoring THE only point for your team at the Reward Challenge (+10 points) even if nobody cared or will remember. MOST LIKELY TO BE CAST IN THE KOREAN VERSION OF THE MOVIE CARRIE (-5 points) because I can’t be the only one who thought this when you lost the Immunity Challenge.
Christina’s Overall Point Tally: +10 points
LEIF: MOST LIKELY TO GET A REALITY SHOW AFTER THIS(+5 points) which won’t happen but if it happened to anyone it should be Leif…because, he just rocks. And good move sharing your burgers with Chelsea (+5 points). MOST LIKELY TO START A WOODEN-CRATE-BED COMPANY (+5 points) after sleeping in one all season he’d have the best testimonials!
Leif’s Overall Point Tally: +15 points
TARZAN: MOST LIKELY TO BE CAUGHT IN DRAG AND DANCING ON A POLE (+5 points) just for fun. I swear if he shows up at the finale/reunion with a perm like Keith T. did, I will die.
Nice job scoring four points for your team at the Reward Challenge (+5 points) and teaching me WTF a “bolus” is (+5 points) during your explanation of the challenge. MOST LIKELY TO HAVE OFFERS OF PROTEIN (-5 points) after making that statement about not having had any in 23 days. Ew.
Tarzan’s Overall Point Tally: +10 points
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I don’t know about you but I’ve been to high school with all the “Most Likelies” in this blog…especially the paranoid-weed-smoker title. And speaking of weed…
It’s time to close this blog…congrats to