An open letter to the producers of The Bachelor:
This is your 16th season and still you insist on spitting on the rights of these psychotic ladies by making them stand scantily clad outdoors, at night, to await a dying rose that they may or may not get in addition to making them risk breaking their necks on the walk in stilettos over that landscaper’s “cream dream” of stone flooring to collect a rose should the boner, I mean, the bachelor choose to deal one out. Unless you’re actually going to go all-in and booby-trap the walk to the rose, please do us all a favor and take future rose ceremonies inside or at least give the ovarian nutjobs a few heating lamps and a strip of carpet to walk down to collect their roses. Oh, and please stop making the bachelors count to 183 between each rose. Sigh. Two hours an episode is SO unnecessary.
Okay, with that out of the way…let’s begin. Wait, no, before we begin I need to apologize for all the Big Brother references scattered in this blog. It just happened. Clearly I’m in BB-withdrawal.
Yeah. So…we’re all in Sonoma with Ben as he gets to be comfy in familiar settings and the ladies get to take a little plane ride and drink more wine. And thus begins the few DOs and many DON’Ts of the second episode of the season:
KACIE B. – DO continue to pump Ben’s ego and make him feel special as you talk to him in a lovey-dovey high-pitched voice but DON’T aka PLEASE STOP telling US that you’re “the luckiest girl alive…on an amazing date with the perfect guy…” unless you’re gonna take that baton in a later episode and actually, ahem, USE it on Ben (which is what I SWORE you said originally) as opposed to just teaching him how to twirl it. Honey, I’m sure he knows how to handle his baton just fine.
And btw, did you guys pick out the Kermit lunchbox as an inside joke or something? You can tell me…come on…
BLAKELY – DO use your breasts to arouse Ben’s interest…you can even run around like an ape if you want to…clearly you got a rose according to Ben, for “owning the day” during the theater group date and also “the night by making most of the convo” with his penis…in the pool.
But DON’T traumatize our youth who hold the future in their hands.
In all fairness though…how were you supposed to know Ben would get off on seeing all 12 of his ladies play mommy for a day in the park with the kids? Your outfit was perfectly fine for a DO in an opening scene of “Blakely Does Fakely” as Jaclyn so eloquently pointed out last night…
However, the biggest DON’T of the night was when you went and HID in the corner of the baggage (how fitting really) room…reminiscent of Rachel from Big Brother hiding in a bush last season. Good times. Thanks for bring back memories…like, seriously? You are an embarrassment to VIP Cocktail waitresses everywhere.
COURTNEY – DO keep up the act you’ve got going on because it’s certainly working on Ben and his belief that you are “one of the most beautiful woman he’s ever seen” (although I think Gia from The Bachelor 14 blows you out of the water) but please DON’T starve yourself any longer because your wispy whispery weak voice is getting on my last nerve and I really do think you need some vitamins. Are you on something? Were you going to EAT that rose or eat it out?!
Your “I think the horse got the first impression rose,” comment about Lindzi C. made me love you just a little bit because it’s so something I would have said in your shoes. And I didn’t blame you one bit for laughing your ass off at Ben howling in the middle of the woods as he dry-humped his poor dog.
And your strategy to play cool during the cocktail party and “sit back and let the other girls shoot themselves in the foot” made me think you should have applied to be on Big Brother not The Bachelor. At least there’s prize money in addition to two more nights a week on tv in it for you. Your agent should have thought of that before pushing you to get on this show. Call me. Let’s talk. Your diary room sessions would be epic. Right now you’re wasting all your one-liners on Pollyannas like Kacie B and Nicki.
JACLYN – I don’t know what it is you’re doing but keeping doing it cuz you’re still here despite having a face only Lindsie J could love.
DON’T get it twisted sister…I find you viciously snarky with your “stage five clinger” and “horseface” comments about Blakely and what-not…but if it wasn’t for Fraggled-Out Jenna and Testosterone Shawn, you wouldn’t still be in the running. Your over-the-top cattiness is very transparent and revealing your even uglier side.
And your clothes are a definite DON’T if you’re trying to snag a man…what’s with all the white lace and green lace and how-do-you-solve-a-problem-like-Maria lace and high necklines? You may bash Blakely for showing cleavage but you should take a page out of her black book and do the same. STAT.
ERIKA – DO breathe and relax and DON’T get all BB4 Dana bug-eyed on us ever again.
If you’re gonna succeed as a lawyer you need to learn to raise your objections move to dismiss biatches without having your eyeballs fall out of their sockets okay dear?
JENNA – OMG DON’T Jenna, just DON’T. Why on earth are you drinking so much when your bipolar meds clearly instruct you shouldn’t? You told Ben point-blank that you’re not a girl. Because you’re a Fraggle?! Are the Fraggle voices in your head singing their incessant “♪♫♪ Dance your cares away, Worry’s for another day. Let the music play, Down at Fraggle Rock. ♫ ♪♫”?! Having nightmares again that Monica the Gorg has captured you?! Stay with me here…hopefully you all know the storyline…if not, sorry…ignore that last question.
If and when you do go on another reality show…or the next season of The Bachelor Pad I’m sure…
DON’T make the guy come find you crying in bed…especially when just a week ago you spent the entire night crying in the bathroom. Sigh. I hope producers of The Bachelor hook you up with an exit interview with a therapist the way Big Brother does. Yowza.
P.S. Jenna, I do give you credit for not breaking down in front of the kids on the group date. I know you wanted to. We all saw it. Kudos.
I think I’ll close here. Really. There are other things I would love to discuss…such as Nicki’s “Something About Mary” hair on the group date…or Jamie telling Ben she refuses to work too hard for his attention…or the fact that Samantha Sash finds Blakely a “slut” and a “hooker”…or the fact that Elyse (who?) and Casey S and Brittney got roses after nearly zero air time during the actual episode…or Lindzi C. telling Ben she wears dirt as makeup (um, you need a filter maybe?) or that Jennifer is so Mandy Moore meets Rebecca DeMornay (circa 1995)…
IDK. But I’ll stop. And I hope next week we get an hour of the show and not two…seriously…if we cut down on all the dramatic pauses I think we can do it!
And not that anyone’s really keeping track…but since I’m keeping track…here’s how the batshit crazy ladies are stacking up as far as Dos and Don’ts…let’s earn some more green dots 3rd tier!!!
Jun is a “lifetime New Yorker” who worked on Wall Street and won Big Brother 4. She recently married the man of her dreams, and left her NYC life behind for Belgium! Jun is a feisty one and doesn’t hold back! Check out her Big Brother, Survivor, The Bachelor (and soon to come, The Amazing Race) blogs here on Reality Nation.