This episode was brought to you by two words: INCREDIBLE (as in time, journey and women according to Muppet Ben) and PERFECT (as in date, place and Ben according the Lindzi, Nicki and Courtney). Oh, and everyone and even MY mother knows that this is the Semen Episode aka Overnight “Fantasy Suite” Dates Episode.
So Ben and the biatches are in Interlaken, Switzerland which is quite appropriate since there was to come much interlockin’ between Ben’s penis and various orifices on his biatches. I found myself oooing and ahhhing at the beautiful shots of Switzerland while Ben rattled on and on about feeling EVERY emotion there is to feel, namely: love, anger and sadness. Wow.
You get the picture. I was pretty much disgusted and yelling at my screen the entire time watching this episode. And making this “Really?” face:
This face will appear in this blog more than once. That was a warning. Btw…doesn’t Ben look familiar to at least some of you out there? Hmmmm? Craigslist anyone?
If I could have dubbed my voice into last night’s episode it would have gone something like this:
BEN: I become more and more lost as I learn about these women.
ME: Yeah. I didn’t realize “lost” was now replacing “horny” in the English language.
BEN: After some extended time with the women on these overnights, I’ll have clarity.
ME: Oh, you mean, all the spunk in your balls will be cleared out? Yeah.
Sigh…must we? I suppose so. Let’s get started:
NICKI: Do you realize how many helicopter rides Ben has already taken on this one season of The Bachelor? You are NOT the first one to use the stupid “taking the relationship to new heights” analogy. GET A GRIP! Stop being an emotional eater and then covering it up with toga-like silk potato sacks only to cry for the likes of good-for-nothing-Ben! Just DON’T! Period!
You’re too good for him. Seeing you all schoolgirl-excited, you couldn’t even close your mouth, about having told Ben you loved him was disturbing.
And it’s gross that he said your dad reminded him of his own dad.
It’s just mean. I lost my dad too, just like Ben did, and I never compared my dad to any man in my life until I married such a man. Ben’s just gross. So DO Stay far away from him. And please get checked for possibly cooties after that overnight date with him.
LINDZI: Girl, apparently you make Ben “happy” because you’re “open and funny” and “opening up” and “more open” and yeah, we get it, Ben also wants you to open your vajayjay to him…even after you risk your life YET AGAIN, this time off the side of a cliff. The producers must HATE you or you must have lied on your application because clearly somebody wants you to have a heart attack.
What I really want to know is…WHERE THE FUG was your jacket? You’re in Switzerland dumbass. DON’T forego warmth for Bendouche. Clearly he didn’t even offer you his jacket. He does not care. He might have said “I love Lindzi” a few times but what he really meant was “I love Lindzi’s voice because it probably means her throat is so fugged up she has no gag reflex.”
Personally, I’d be scared thinking about Lindzi reading books to me at bedtime. Meanwhile Ben tells us he wants to have babies with her. Oy. Lindzi, I hope you and your horses live a long happy life together. Clearly there are some analogies missing in your life…so for the second week in a row I must award you the Beat A Dead Horse Award.
Like, everyone…I mean EVERYONE knows about your freaking “heartbreaking heartbreak” that left you “heartbroken”. DO STFU Lindzi, Ben just wants to F you. And your “There’s nowhere else in the world I’d rather be but here with Ben” made me sad. Even an hour at Bed, Bath & Beyond holds more promise than a night with Ben. I hope your dad Harry Cox didn’t throw a chariot into the tv last night seeing you all leggy-up on Bendouche. Yikes.
COURTNEY: Ben says, “there’s some kind of weird magical force” between you two bring you together. You and I both know he’s just talking about the force he feels in his pants when he sees your boobies. He then tells us that the chemistry you two have “is so different than anything else” he’s ever felt in his entire life. Dramatic, much? He should just tell us the truth…that he’s never done it with a model before. Big freaking deal.
I have to say Courtney looked really pretty upon her arrival in Switzerland. She almost looked like a model even. No puckered-up faces made at the camera or anything…though she always knew where the camera was at all times. And speaking of cameras…I love how the camera guy had a clear view of how DIRTY the wine glasses were during Ben and Courtney’s picnic yet said nothing. Grrrrrross!
And Courtney…DON’T think I didn’t notice how you do the kiss-then-talk-right-away thing with Ben to avoid tonguing him. You’ve been doing it since Kiss #1. And I really don’t understand what the fuss was all about with her big “apology” to Ben…if you listen very carefully she was twisting her words anyway…”I feel bad that it wasn’t easier for me”. Yeah, did the rest of you catch that? I did. I think it’s brilliant.
And I had an epiphany watching Courtney this week. I had always noticed she doesn’t enunciate her words and I thought it was some speech impediment…but I realized it’s because she just doesn’t want to wrinkles. Really. I tried talking like her for an hour or so. My hubby thought I was having a mild seizure but I explained I was dropping the last syllables of every word and purposely trailing off to fend off wrinkles. I’m a freak.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
I figured it’s time for my line of asterisks because I’m avoiding thinking about the stomach-turning goings-on in the fantasy suite Ben shared with all three girls. Really, I had zero appetite today because I knew Ben had gotten a taste of all three ladies and knew all three had given him the Bachelor VIP Package only reserved for this kind of episode. Poor Nicki. She probably did everything he wanted and swallowed and more just for a shot at a “perfect” ending…meanwhile Ben was the one who got the happiest ending at the end of that night. Ugh. Holding back vomit.
And it didn’t help that producers (awkwardly) inserted this trio of losers into the middle of the episode in an effort to capture our attention and hopefully future ratings for the next Bachelorette aka Recycled Luggage with Emily M.
Did they really make us sit through these morons reuniting, getting made over, spilling secrets such as “the roses are pinned to the men with MAGNETS!” and ASSley gushing in 3D glasses about how she’s “Rose” and JP is “Jack” from the Titanic? OMG I’d rather be tied to a chair and questioned by Kim Jong-Un than go through that again. Really.
And before I go…Kacie…are you reading? Find me on Twitter so I can get your mailing address and send you a big fat guaranteed-to-change-your-life vibrator so you don’t have to do this shit anymore:
Jun is a “lifetime New Yorker” who worked on Wall Street and won Big Brother 4. She recently married the man of her dreams, and left her NYC life behind for Belgium! Jun is a feisty one and doesn’t hold back! Check out her Big Brother, Survivor, The Bachelor blogs here on Reality Nation.