Happy Valentine’s Day to all! And in the spirit of love it’s only appropriate we discuss a show about finding love. However, all we have is The Bachelor. How sad. And our bachelor gets compared to a “delicious piece of cheescake” this episode. As if cheesecake is supposed to taste like sweaty cardboard?
And producers thought I wouldn’t notice that this week’s episode was 84 minutes and 19 seconds long, which is a WhOpPiNg FOUR seconds longer than last week’s! WTF?! Sigh.
So this week we watch Smelly-Upper-Lip aka Ben pronounce the word “really” at least six different ways with each of the six ladies left. Depending on where Ben emphasized said word and how long it took him to spit it out, it meant anything from “for real/are you serious?” to “I’m catching a boner”. Yes. For a two-syllable word, it got used and abused.
Speaking of abused…how much more abuse can we, the viewer, take? We’re in Belize this week and Ben tells us that there’s “such a slow lifestyle in Belize” that he “can think about everything”. Like, dude, is your life not slow enough that you have to go to Belize to “think” about shit?!
The good news is, this season is coming to an end soon and at the end of this episode we’re down to only four vaginas that Ben wishes to have cream dreams with. Seriously though. You guys have all seen his video by now right?
Yeah. So. Congratulations to Emily and Rachel for getting the boot. Both these ladies, in their own way, are way too goo for Bendouche. Rachel needs someone a little more hardcore and Emily needs someone with a vocabulary more advanced than that of a 10 year old. Plus, they get to escape any more Courtney Face Count in person.
LINDZI: Okay. So, Lindzi, DON’T look so straight-up possessed (possibly by the ghost of Blakely) when you find out you’ve got a one-on-one date with Ben. It makes me wonder if you look that way because you’re so obviously malnourished or it’s all the cuckoo meds you take every morning. Probably a combo. A combo that makes you pronounce “important” like “import-tent”. Ugh.
You and Ben, together, have the WORST case of verbal diarrhea in history…but clearly Ben is into it so DO continue to talk to Ben like he’s a toddler at a day care with lots of shrill cries of “absolutely!” like he asked for a gold freaking star or an extra raisin snackpack or something. You two clearly think being a human thesaurus is cool. You told us that you “shares base foundation (base = foundation) values with Ben” and he tells us he has “a bit of a special surprise planned…unique special (unique = special = unique) spot”. You’d think you two were getting paid by the word, like I am. No, I’m not…really, I’m not.
But yeah…the rest of the date goes on and they jump from a helicopter into some blue coral reef and Lindzi explains to us that “if you love someone enough you can get past the fear”, of dying, apparently. Not. Stupid girl. And next time DON’T chew on your bipolar meds, they make your lips all powdery and pasty-looking. You told us you “can’t take her eyes off of Ben”, well, maybe that’s just the 8 layers of eyeliner you’re caking on. Bearing in mind though, clearly all your “DON’Ts” are “DOs” according to Bendouche, so carry on. Freak.
NICKI: You tell us you don’t “need that much more time together” for you “to be comfortable saying” you love Ben. WOAH WOAH WOAH. DON’T be saying that kinda shit about a man you’ve spent a total of 19 hours with, unless you want to die alone wearing colorful muumuus.
And this applies to Kacie too, but DON’T freaking react like you just won Publisher’s Clearing House when someone tells you you’re gonna be diving with sharks. WTF is wrong with you?!
Besides the fact that you shave your thighs…call me crazy, but really? You shave your thighs? What do your thighs feel like the next day? Ew. I thought you were so uber hot the first episode but you’re losing it week-to-week.
KACIE: Girl. We already knew you had food issues, but it seems they’re manifesting into a whole new monster. We saw a glimpse of your fierce rage during the baseball game when you cursed out Courtney and then this week you tell us “It took every fiber of my being to not spring across the room and punch her in the face”. “Her” being Courtney. Put your money where your mouth is! DO show us some girl-on-girl action.
Btw, Courtney called you a “little girl in a little boy’s body”.
I don’t particularly agree with this statement since Courtney herself seems to have some weird tree trunk legs herself, but I did find myself obsessively staring at your armpit fat. Okay, I’ll stop being superficial now…just long enough to tell you DON’T accept Ben’s bullshit. Your “I told him I was falling in love with him and I know he can’t say it back to me” was BULLSHIT. Why not?! He certainly CAN and SHOULD say that to you if he’s feeling it! And instead, you just accept a “Really?” and a really wet kiss from him. Ew.
COURTNEY: Your “I lost the spark babe” was just perfect. Yeah, you are one of the fakest apes to ever join the cast of The Bachelor, but you are entertaining I’ll give you that. Telling Ben that you wouldn’t have accepted a rose had you not received the last one-on-one date worked for you. DO continue to play him like the idiot he is. He deserves it, really.
But spare us and DON’T drop poopy sentiments like “each step is like a step in a relationship…each step I took I left behind the hurt and the drama” while you climb a sacrificial temple…unless you’re going to follow it up with “Kali Ma… Kali Ma… Kali Ma Shakti de” å la Indiana Jones Temple of Doom and rip Ben’s heart out or something.
And thank you for not letting Ben know he had a leech on his face so I could get a good laugh.
It must have attached itself to his temple at some point during your jungle walk.
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I really don’t know what to say you to you four ladies remaining. Besides the fact that this was the saddest-looking-bare-footed-hot-messes comprising this last rose ceremony:
Why on earth you would want to take Ben back to your families (unless your families are like my family and you want to torture them slowly and painfully). But perhaps this next episode will prove more entertaining than the last 7, as Ben will NOT be the only other one in the scenes besides you.
And just in case everyone is paying attention…here are the standings:
And before I close…THANK YOU RACHEL for being so REAL in your reaction to going swimming with sharks. I’m with you girl.
Jun is a “lifetime New Yorker” who worked on Wall Street and won Big Brother 4. She recently married the man of her dreams, and left her NYC life behind for Belgium! Jun is a feisty one and doesn’t hold back! Check out her Big Brother, Survivor, The Bachelor blogs here on Reality Nation.