DO’s & DON’Ts: Week Six

This week on the Travel Channel, we listen to stupid girls tell us how thrilled they are about all the places “Ben has taken us”. Um. Ben hasn’t taken you girls anywhere. ABC has. Duh.

So, just in case you missed all 31 times we were reminded throughout the episode, the Bachelor cast and crew stay at the Trump Ocean Club in Panama City. As in Donald Trump, as if needs more advertising. Courtney, in-particular-of-course, says she’s “excited about the lovely gentleman” in her life. And I’m thinking…Trump? I can just picture her creeping around the stairs where good old Donald’s private suite is located in the hopes of luring him into a skinny-dipping session. Ew.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

So…Mr. Flanijk gathers all his students and proceeds to lecture and otherwise talk to the ladies like they’re 7 year olds. Ugh. What a total dork.  What were producers THINKING making him THE bachelor?! Like, Bob Guiney wasn’t bad enough?! Sigh…

Well, of course as soon as the dorky teacher leaves the room, we get our first Courtney Face.

 

 

 

 

 

 

This episode is a little less “Courtney and Ben” and a little more “More Reasons Why Ben Should Not Be The Bachelor”…and part “Rachel Turns Into a Cat”.

No, seriously. Rachel (barely) survives her two-on-one date versus Blakely then:

- Rachel rushes to the window to spy on Ben chasing after a crying Blakely

- We hear meowing…

- The cameras turn towards a cat in the street following Ben and Blakely

Yes, that’s what happened and in that order. And, well, I was kinda’ confused as to what the cameramen were doing until I realized…Rachel WAS the cat! I got it! Did you get it too?!

 

 

 

 

 

 

But let’s get this moving. Lord knows we’ve already been subjected to an hour and 25 minutes of a show that could have been televised in 13 minutes, period.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Kacie gets the first one-on-one date card, resulting in being put in a headlock by Blakely which then gets Blakely kicked off the show for Unnecessary Roughness (still in Super Bowl mode here…still mourning the loss of my Pats…still shaking my head at the stupidity of Gisele Bundchen…okay, I’m done).

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Sigh. Just kidding…Blakely was just play-wrestling like all girls do – NOT – and everyone gets a good laugh out of it.  Kacie really should have punched Blakely square in the nuts.

But onto the date…

KACIE: Her date card reads “Will our love survive? Pack 3 things” because…it turns out the date is on a deserted island. Um, Kacie..DON’T pack an ugly green stuffed monkey, EVER. WTF were you doing with that in the first place?! But DO keep a corkscrew-with-knife and a bag of candy handy. Personally, if I was gonna have to “survive” a date with Ben I’d pack my iPhone, a vibrator and a freshly baked baguette. But that’s just me.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

So…smirking like a smug Kermit, Ben reveals the three items he packed: a machete, fishing net, matches. OMG he must have KNOWN they were spending the day on a deserted island! Right. He then proceeds to hack at a coconut with his “mah-cheh-tay” as he calls it and, well, sucks…losing all the juices in the dry, awaiting sand as Kacie tells us “watching Ben hack open a coconut is hot”. Then we jump to dinner time where Kacie is all dolled-up and ready to tell Ben she used to be bulimic. Huh? What? Yeah. Fact. And…incidentally… Kacie tells Ben her bulimia was “caught” by her parents at, of all things, a Super Bowl party. I am not alone in Super Bowl mode, see?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Back to the date…yeah, Ben is in his usual grease and grime and touching his GROSS HAIR at the dinner table. TWICE. Where is Emily and her hand-sanitizer when you need her?! How can Kacie break bread with that filth?!?!  Like, Ben, just GET a haircut! What do you think you’re hiding?! We all know you are balding/receding/lucky to have gotten this gig!  So it makes it even worse when Kacie, in all her heavenly glow, tells us “on a scale of 1 to Wonderful, this date is FANTASTIC”. Kacie. DON’T talk to us like that ever again because I WILL turn on you. One more line like that out of you and you die on the Bachelor vine for me.

COURTNEY: Change of pace is good after all that Kacie sunshine. Ahhhh…our Courtney…seducing the boys of the Panamanian jungle. I don’t know WTF is up with these other biatches, but I think Courtney is right on going tribal. Everyone else opts to keep their bikinis on instead of embracing the opportunity to experience real life in the jungle.  Well, Courtneym, DO continue to “stand out” as the other girls call it. Why WOULDN’T one try to stand out from the other vanilla girls?!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

But DON’T do that horrible shakey-shakey-got-no-rhythm-jiggle-dance thing ever again. And more importantly, DON’T be stood up by the likes of BEN!!! OMG.

 

 

 

 

 

 

I realize he buttered you up with “I don’t know if it gets you into hot water with the other women…but don’t stop” in regards to your sexual aggression but you do realize all he meant was “I like getting to see and feel your titties for free”, right?!  I hope so.

 

 

 

 

 

Oh, but thanks for basically saying “F*ck You” to Emily after she summoned up the courage to apologize to you. I wouldn’t really thank you in real life, but you sure do make good tv.  So thank you.

BLAKELY: OMG what is up with you?!  You realize there is no Best Supporting Actress nod for this show right? Or are you that deep into Crazyland?! You DON’T ever SHOW someone your Stalker Scrapbook!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

What did you think Ben was going to do? Think it NORMAL to present him with creepy clippings from the past week?! And where did you manage to HIDE that thing all night?! In your nutsac?! DUH, he’s only into nudie pictures. You should have just given him some nude photos of yourself.

JAMIE: I liked you a lot. Now I resent you. You made me feel so awkward and embarrassed for you like I haven’t felt in a long time. It made me so uncomfortable…like the first time I was faced with an uncircumcised penis.  Keep in mind, if I hadn’t liked you so much I wouldn’t be so angry at you.  But WTF were you thinking?!!?!

 

 

 

 

First you get shown-up by a bikini-clad Courtney in the pool while you’re rambling on and on about how much you like Ben but fear penis, in general. I knew you were in trouble when you told us “I need to show him that I’m sexy, that I’m a woman, that I would be able to please him and make him happy…I want to turn Ben on.” And then you went and did this:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Your lesson learned: DON’T FORCE SEXY if you haven’t got it. Thrashing about and roleplaying exorcism is NOT the way to go. I can’t believe you have to go back to being a pediatric nurse…or still go grocery shopping for that matter, after that display.

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I’m gonna end this blog here…but not before leaving you with:

THE MOST F*CKED UP SEGMENT ALL SEASON

No…not Rachel telling us that Ben has a “deeper connection” with her than he did with Blakely, since we all know Ben had a deeper connection with the coconut on his date with Kacie than he did with Blakely…

And no…not Jamie INSTRUCTING Ben step-by-step how they were going to kiss (both mouths closed…still closed…now explore…) WHILE they were kissing…

And no…not even the painful salsa dancing two-on-one date taught by Miss Jay’s cousin…

 

 

 

 

 

But just how f*cked up Chris Harrison and the producers of this show were for ambushing Casey for no good reason except to stir up drama.  Who CARES if she has some loser ex-boyfriend “Michael”?!  She’s certainly nothing compared to Bachelorette Satan aka Bentley…and there was no reason to drag out her bare-footed-ugly-crying in front of the rest of the girls AND America (and parts of Canada, England, Japan and obviously, Belgium).

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

If it had been anyone else I would have enjoyed watching it all unravel. But that’s how uncalled for the whole thing was. Even I didn’t get anything out of it. EPIC. FAIL on ABC’s part.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Like, you couldn’t even let her put her freaking SHOES on before you shoved her in a car out of there?! What is she, a common criminal?! The only thing she’s guilty of, really, is that loud wretched crying.  For such a beautiful girl, she cries like Shrek.

Jun is a “lifetime New Yorker” who worked on Wall Street and won Big Brother 4. She recently married the man of her dreams, and left her NYC life behind for Belgium!  Jun is a feisty one and doesn’t hold back! Check out her Big Brother, Survivor, The Bachelor blogs here on Reality Nation.