One word no one will use to describe this season of The Bachelorette is “suspenseful.” Coming into Monday night’s episode, which saw Emily Maynard’s European vacation end in Prague, it looked inevitable that Doug and John “Wolf” were living on borrowed time, and that’s exactly what happened. Next week it will be home visits, and unless Sean, Jef With One F, or Arie flame out on a “my daddy kills animals” level, it’s going to be Chrazy Chris who might as well just stay home.
But before the foregone conclusion, we had to learn exactly how the show would deal with the Arie Crisis that had been gossiped about online for several weeks. Emily and Arie seemed to be enjoying a nice stroll through Prague on their solo date, when we suddenly heard a voiceover from the Bachelorette announcing that she knew something about him that he was refusing to admit to her. Cut to Chris Harrison, working way overtime this week, informing us that Arie had once had a very brief relationship with Cassie Lambert, the Bachelorette producer who spends the most time with our heroine. He said Cassie finally decided to say something to Emily once it was clear Arie was a major contender.
“In the interest of full disclosure,” as Harrison put it, we were allowed to witness Cassie chatting with Emily about her apparently brief fling with Arie, which ended years ago. Emily claimed to be less upset about the relationship than about the fact that he hadn’t mentioned it to her, which wouldn’t be unusual except that Cassie hangs around the two of them all the time on set. But after all this hype and piousness about full disclosure, the three hashed everything out off camera, and we pick up the date with Emily and Arie floating down the Vltava as if nothing ever happened.
So did Cassie recruit Arie for the show (a likely assumption considering he’s a minor public figure in his own right)? And if so, wouldn’t it seem logical the two of them would have discussed beforehand how to handle the issue of their prior boinking should he progress with Emily? It’s all quite weird.
On with the show! Wolf finally got his long-awaited solo date with Emily, which was mostly noteworthy for sending Chris into his latest downward spiral of grouchiness. This man does not have a poker face. Glenn Close in Fatal Attraction was live-and-let-live by comparison. “If I don’t get a hometown date, I’ll be scared for anyone around me,” swore Chris, who sounded all too believable. The humiliation continued for him on the group date with Doug and Sean, though it was the Seattle single dad who ended up with even worse memories.
Remind me how this goofball got the first impression rose again? Doug’s fate was sealed during his alone time with Emily on the group date, when he again came across as too chivalrous for his own good. He sat with his arms crossed, then apologized for touching her, and it was apparent she had had enough of his schoolboy shyness. At the point where she was beginning to let him down easy, he leaned in and gave her a quick peck on the lips, which was embarrassing to me as a male – hell, as a human. And that was the end of Doug’s time on The Bachelorette. “My girl radar is broken,” he admitted in a massive understatement.
With the three-on-one now a two-on-one, Emily went on to give Sean the group date rose, while Chris sat a foot away. This has been a two-week virtual castration process for this poor dude, and it’s still not over!
The last solo date, with Jef With One F, was so carefree and filled with chemistry between the couple that it may be time to reconsider my belief that Arie is the presumed leader in this competition. The two of them played with marionettes, which ended up being much more charming than it sounds. They then cozied up in an old library, and began talking about his family as if the hometown date was a formality, which of course it was. “I want to date you so hard and marry the (bleep) out of you,” Jef said, and that phrase is weird no matter what word you use to fill in the bleep.
All that was left was for Wolf to get sent home after the non-cocktail party, though Chris interrupted the Rose Ceremony for a “dramatic” chat with Emily that was presumably meant to prove that he was serious about her, but should have proved that he’s one pawn short of a chess set instead. Farewell Wolf, and happy document-shredding.
Next week: Meeting the parents, or in Jef’s case, meeting the sibs.