This week's Toddlers & Tiaras might just produce the show's first spin-off. Or at least one pageant mom might hope.
The stars of the show might have been three toddler beauty queens, but it was one of the moms who somehow managed to make the episode all about her. Tricia is the mother of previous T&T competitor SamiJo and since we saw her last, she's been divorced and has decided to put her new boobs to good use by working at Hooter's and serving as a ring girl at cage matches. All to pay for little SamiJo's pageant necessities.
And even though it's what she'd want, I'm going to try to not make this blog post about Tricia. Instead, let's meet our three contestants for the Beautiful Me Disco Diamonds Pageant. But I'm sure Tricia is going to sneak her way into the blog again later.
- Name: SamiJo
- Age: 2
- Rank: The Pro
- Mom: Tricia
- Fun Fact: She's 2 going on 17, which means only one more year until Playboy! Wait… um… nevemind
- Name: Destiny
- Age: 3
- Rank: The newbie
- Mom: Sherrie
- Fun Fact: She wants to “dance on the pole.” She said it herself. I can't make this stuff up.
- Name: Camarie
- Age: 3
- Rank: “The Demon Child”
- Mom: Jennifer
- Fun Fact: She was named after calamari. The fried squid. Because her mom was addicted to it during pregnancy. Now I'm hungry. And since her mom named her after Calamari, I'm going to call her Calamari.
I know I said I wasn't going to make this blog all about Tricia, but guess what, I'm going to make this blog all about Tricia. We get a whole montage, basically, of Tricia and her scantly-clad occupations. There's a shot of her holding a sign half-naked next to a monster truck. There's a photo of her holding a sign half-naked inside a cage fight ring. There's a photo of her holding a sign half-naked at a bahmitvah (might as well be).
But the ultimate half-naked job, and we actually get to see it in action, is her sexy mother-daughter calendar. Yes, she's making a calendar in which she poses half-naked and it will also feature SamiJo. A two-year-old. Luckily, the shot we see of SamiJo is very tasteful, so put the phones down. No need to call Child Protective Services just yet. On second thought, go ahead and call them.
The most interesting thing about Calamari and her mom is that her mom is way jealous of Tricia and SamiJo. She acts like she's not but she is. Meanwhile Destiny's mom is using the “emergency credit card” to pay for all of her daughter's pageant needs. I'd love to know how she's going to fund her inevitable divorce when the emergency credit card is maxed out.
OK, more Tricia! What else did she do in this episode? Let's see. There was that time she told us that she also competes in pageants! Against her daughter! Yes, folks, the age limits go that high. As long as there's enough interest. Tricia was actually going to compete in this very pageant but her competition dropped out, she said with a frown. So that means she would've been competing against one other very sad mom. Guess that one couldn't find anyone to cover her Hooter's shift. Gah I wish her competition wouldn't have dropped out! I really want to see Tricia in a pageant now!
At the actual pageant, SamiJo freezes. She is so not acting like the pro. Calamari does a decent job. And Destiny shows up in the worst pageant dress I've ever seen. It looked like Easter got into a fight a prostitute from the Old West. Yeah, I don't know what that means either. But if you saw the dress, you'll get it.
At crowning, the judges deice that Calamari is too much of a demon child to pull for a Supreme title, so she goes home with a queen title. SamiJo and Destiny do, however, pull for Supreme titles. SamiJo wins photo supreme because her photos were apparently better than her stage performance. Destiny wins 0-3 Supreme Queen, so she's the big winner of this episode. Go, underdog!
And now for the moment I know I've been waiting for… my own pageant awards!
- Most Likely Commit Matricide: Calamari
- Most Likely to Continue Reality TV Career on MTV's Teen Mom 12: SamiJo
- Most Likely to Become a Stripper: Destiny (she's the one that said she wanted to dance on the pole and with a name like Destiny, isn't that her, well, destiny?)
- Worst Mom Award: Tricia. Hands down