It’s not every week you get to see a boy featured on Toddlers & Tiaras. And it’s surely not every week you see a boy possessed by demons on Toddlers & Tiaras.
Once again, T&T take us out of the South and head to the midwest (Zzzzzzzzzzz) for the Fairytale Princess Pageant. But before we go any further, let’s meet our three contestants featured this week.
- Name: Traven
- Age: 6
- Rank: The Pageant Prince
- Mom: Lanesia
About Traven: The one thing you should know about Traven is he is possessed by demons. They make him lie and do evil things. Hey, he said it, not me.
- Name: Ava-Cate
- Age: 4
- Rank: The Pro
- Mom: Emily
About Ava-Cate: She has a pot-bellied pig named “Buddy Crazy Sunglasses,” which might be the best name on the planet. But she hates pigs. So she’s totally a complicated person.
- Name: Samantha
- Age: 7
- Rank: The seasoned rookie
- Mom: Amy
About Samantha: She’s out for blood. And like she said herself “I won’t stand for a small title.” Oh and she likes for her hair to be “jacked to Jesus.”
When we first drop in on Traven, he’s flopping around on the floor exercising his demons and his mom explains why she decided to put her son into a pastime dominated by girls. “I entered Traven in pageants because he was so cute and he lookeded (not a typo) like a little girl.” He’s either going to really LOVE is mom for doing this to him (Ya know what I mean? Hey girl hey) or really HATE her for doing this. There’s no in between on this one. Guaranteed.
Let’s see what Ava-Cate is up to. First we learn she’s “wild and full of energy,” from mom. Aren’t they all? Ava-Cate also HATES practicing for pageants. So in order to tolerate her mom’s pageant obsession, she decides to booty spank during practice. And she threatens her mom that she will booty spank on stage, in front of the judges at the pageant. Mortified mom laughs it off, but she better watch herself. Ava will stick to her words one of these days.
Samantha’s practice session goes perfectly. Too perfectly. Overachiever. Zzzzzzz. Let’s go back to Taven’s.
Traven and his cousin Princess are practicing their Princess and the Frog routine with a little urban flare. The only thing better than a pageant girl pop lockin and droppin is a pageant boy pop lockin and droppin. Even his nana was hootin and hollerin. “Break it down, juicy!” she said. Oh Traven. Oh Traven’s nana.
It’s pageant time! The pageant director/emcee, Mr. Todd, might be my favorite thing about this episode. He’s a big ole sassy queen with more costume changes than, well, a pageant emcee. He speaks everything with intense drama, like he wrote it out a week ago and has been rehearsing it ever since.
During the pageant we learn Traven is the only boy in the competition. So he’ll be competing against the girls. Samantha’s mom Amy does not like that very much. But that might be because Traven never loses, according to multiple pageant sources.
During the pageant, Traven chokes, Ava-Cate misses her call and Samantha’s mom plays the wrong music for her. And even though the three contestants all had some missteps, they all pulled for Supreme titles. Traven won Overall Denim Wear, Ava-Cate won 0-6-year-olds Ultimate Grand Supreme and Samantha won 7 and up Grand Supreme. It was a good day for our featured contestants. But not for Mr. Todd. He had to give up all those pretty crowns. But not before he tried them all on, you can be sure of.
And now some final thoughts: Dear TLC, please stop taking us to the north and west. We want only southern pageants. Where they take their pageants and their drama as seriously as their jugs of Mountain Dew and Marlboro Light 100s. Thank you.