If you missed this week's episode of Toddlers & Tiaras, just try to catch The Positively True Adventures of the Alleged Texas Cheerleader Murdering Mom starring Holly Hunter on Lifetime and you'll get the gist of this episode.
The episode focused on a strong rivalry between two Ohio pageant divas and their moms. And the setting was the Southern Celebrity Fairytale Winter Pageant in Charleston, West Virgina. What more could we ask for.
Before we go any further, let's meet this week's three featured contestants.
- Name: Ava
- Age: 6
- Rank: The underdog
- Mom: Jennifer
- Motto: “People … they can't beat me. Enough Said.”
- Name: Gabby
- Age: 8
- Rank: The Newbie
- Mom: Beth
- Motto: “Total package – beauty and brains.”
- Name: Alaska
- Age: 9
- Rank: The Pro
- Mom: Lori
- Motto: “I've been winning crowns, winning puppies and winning crowns.”
We first drop in on Ava in her home in West Virginia and we learn that she does OK in the smaller pageant circuits and that's about it. Ava's editing falls victim to the other two contestants and their ridiculous mothers. So we see very little of Ava compared to the other two girls.
He head to Ohio to meet Gabby and her mom. Gabby gets to try on her new ill-fitting flipper (fake teeth for pageant girls with missing or bad teeth). I can't help but feel sorry for the girl because her mom is too delusional to realize how bad her daughter looks in those false teeth, but she has vengeance on her mind. She wants to beat Alaska and Lori.
Cut to Alaska's house. We immediately lear
n that Lori and Beth hate each other as do Alaska and Gabby. Naturally. Alaska apparently beats Gabby in every pageant they enter so Beth has been stepping up her game. And Alaska wants to beat Gabby just so Beth will think all her hard work was “a waste.” Yes, a nine-year-old girl said this. On live television.
Meanwhile Gabby and Beth head out for facials and Beth starts talking about Gabby's flipper. Then she mentions that some of the moms need flippers and the camera cuts to Lori's not-so-great smile. Harsh! OK, hilarious was the H word I was really looking for.
Lori and Beth's feud is so huge that the pageant director knows about it. Apparently there was some sort of Facebook war going on between the two moms and everyone in the pageant world knows about it. So the pageant director pulls the mothers aside at the pageant and asks them to let the girls settle their differences on the stage. Hahahahahaha. Loving this.
First up in the pageant is the beauty competition. Ava is kind of adorable. Oh yeah, Ava is a part of this episode also. Alaska is flawless as is Beth's catty comments about Alaska. Gabby takes the stage and all you can see is flipper. How unfortunate.
Alaska was sure to point out that she missed Gabby's turn. “I did not watch Gabby,” she said. “Why would I?” Ah from the mouths of babes … evil child beauty pageant babes.
Next up is Winter Wear. Ava comes out in her animal print drag queen best while Gabby takes the stage in the her grandmother's old majorette costume? I'm not sure what that was but that's strike two for Gabby's mom. Not Gabby. We have to blame her mother.
But at least she showed up. Alaska missed her turn because she was busy complaining about her hair in her hotel room. She did eventually get to take her turn and her outfit would best be described as snow hooker.
It's time for crowning and as always, everyone is looking for that Ultimate Grand Supreme Title but any other supreme title will do. What no one wants is a measly old princess or queen title.
Ava wins best personality (well-deserved) and a princess title. Boo. Gabby wins division queen, which means she isn't getting a supreme title either. Alaska, of course, does pull for a supreme title and actually wins the biggest prize of the day, Ultimate Grand Supreme. And she and her mom couldn't be happier that Gabby lost. Sad, sad people.
And now it's time for me to hand out my own pageant awards. Are we ready?
- Most Likely to Fall Victim to a telekinetic Prom Queen drenched in Blood: Alaska
- Most Likely to Drink Draino Given to Her By Her Belittled Best Friend Veronica: Alaska
- Most Likely to Be Pushed in Front of a School Bus By Her Belittle Best Friend Cady: Alaska
- Most Likely to Commit Matricide: Gabby
- Most Likely to Quit Pageants and Live A Normal Life: Ava
- Worst Mom Award: (It's a tie!) Lori and Beth
- Best Carrie, Heathers and Mean Girls reference: Me