How do you make a train wreck of a show like Toddlers & Tiaras more of a train wreck? Just add pets. And not just any pets. We’re talking snakes, turkeys, lambs and vicious dogs.
Welcome to the My Pet and Me Pageant. Yes, some crazy person in Arkansas (Yes! The show is finally back in the South!) decided it would be a good idea to add animals to the already-insane antics of a child beauty pageant. Let’s meet this week’s featured contestants.
- Name: Karley
- Age: 6
- Rank: The Pro
- Pet: Slither the snake
- Mom: Crystal
- Fun fact: She’s a “Harley-riding, snake-loving pageant princess.”
- Names: Giavanna and Alycesaundra (The Tiara Twins)
- Ages: 4
- Rank: The “mini celebs,” according to the mom.
- Pets: Tom the turkey and Butterball the lamb (now I’m hungry)
- Mom: Kelly
- Fun Fact: The Tiara Twins have their own tour bus and body guard.
- Name: Kali
- Age: 5
- Rank: The rookie
- Pet: Buster, the vicious dog
- Mom: Chante
- Fun Fact: She is a “pageant ninja” has silver teeth, or “bling” as her mom proudly says.
At the twins’ house we learn a couple of things. Mom clearly married for money. How do I know that? Aside from looking at her hubs, she admits to spending a HALF A MILLION DOLLARS on pageants. Oh, and they have a Tiara Twins TOUR BUS. No, really. Look:
Oh, and we also learn that they have a bodyguard. Named Carl. For reals. I could say SO much about Carl, but I’m not trying to go back to sensitivity training.
We drop in on Karley and Slither over at “Katie’s Kuties” where she’s getting her pageant training on. Katie must be a trillionaire thanks to all these crazy moms. It seems like she’s training a girl or five in every episode. Good for you Katie. Katie doesn’t like snakes though, so I hope this doesn’t mess up Karley’s stage show.
We cut over to Pageant Ninja’s house and all we get is Buster trying to Cujo everyone. These people are boring. Let’s drop back in on The Tiara Twins. Uh-oh. Looks like the Twins, mom, dad, Tom the Turkey and Carl the bodyguard had to squeeze into a van because the tour bus broke down! HAHAHAHA. Actually, I didn’t see Carl. They probably left him back guarding the bus.
At the pageant, the Twins and their ridiculous pets choked while Karley and Slither shined. Kali avoided getting mauled by Buster and wowed the judges with her karate routine. There was only one rip-off skirt this week, so we’ll not be calling child protective services again.
At crowning, all the girls except for Giavanna pulled for a higher title and that’s OK because I’m pretty sure her mom didn’t mean to have two kids at once in the first place. Alycesaundra ended up winning Me and My Pet Supreme. Kali won Beauty Supreme and Karley took home Mini Supreme, the second-highest title.
I’m going to nap now. This recap was as exhausting as that episode. What did you think of the episode?