Toddlers & Tiaras need to get back to the South because these northern and midwestern pageants just aren't making for good TV.
At least bring back the Honey Boo Boo kid or Mackenzie, because the show this season needs some help. I mean there were two or three moments during the show that felt like the disgusting trainwreck we've come to love, but for the most part, it felt almost like child beauty pageants aren't the worst thing on the planet. And we know that's not true. Don't we?
Anyway, let me try to squeeze out some sort of recap that isn't as lame as this episode. This week we go to the Storybook Pageant for their “Diamonds Are a Girl's Best Friend” pageant. Now let's meet the three featured contestants this week:
- Name: Sienna
- Age: 4
- Rank: The Vet
- Mom: Laura
- Signature Look: Her “Snooki poof”
- Name: Trinity
- Age: 5
- Rank: The Rookie
- Signature Move: Her booty pop (Yes, she's 5).
- Name: Kylie
- Age: 5
- Rank: The Pro
- Mom: Maria
- Signature Quote: “I kicked ASS” (and, yes, she too is 5).
We first catch up with little Sienna as she's going to her chiropractor. Apparently if you get your back popped back in
to place by a guy who got his “medical degree” at a strip mall, your poise is better for child beauty pageants. Gotcha. And as if that wasn't enough, it's time for her eyebrow WAXING. Yes, a mom is waxing her 5-year-old's brows. Lovely.
Over at Kylie's house, we learn that she's a little monster. And that her mom has clearly dipped into the pixie sticks and Mt. Dew they all use to spazz out their kids for pageants. Because she's a little excited to say the least. Oooh, maybe she had a grown-up pixie stick. Kylie's mom tells us that her daughter is a Triple F. What? Is that her future cup size? When's she getting those? Her 16th birthday? Actually, it means “Five, Fearless and Ferocious.”
We head over to Trinity's house now where we learn that this is her first full-glitz pageant. She normally does natural pageants. But she's been dying to dip into the mini-prostite circuit. She seems like as sweet girl and her mom even seems sane. Zzzzzzzzzzzz.
At the pageant, the girls are all getting ready and sizing up the comp and Sienna is getting her hair done when she requests a “Snooki poof.” Niiiiiiice. I almost take everything I said about this episode being boring.
Things really improve during the Glitz and Glam portion. Sienna jumps on top of her mini piano, strips, revealing fish net stockings and a tiny little dress with flame decals. She ends her routine with a split. Of course she does.
Kylie lands on stage in a space ship and breaks out of it doing the robot. It's almost cute. The judges love it and the crowd loves it. Kylie knows she “did good.” So much so that when she walks off stage, she looks at the camera and says “I kicked ass.” She's my new hero.
Trinity is up next and I'm all, oh, her again. Zzzzzz. But then it happens. Trinity stops being boring and nice and BOOTY POPS. Yes, ma'am. BOOTY POPS. Crown her now. Forget the others. She wins!!!
At crowning, the judges decide Sienna and Trinity don't deserve any big titles. Kylie wins Mini Supreme (which is a big title, but not the highest). Something can't be right with these scores, I thought (OK, I didn't REALLY think that, but I needed a transition). And they weren't. The moms all pulled together after getting their scoresheets. What they found out is the judges were either using a TV remote as a calculator or they don't know what numbers are. None of the scores added up wrong. Kylie's scores went something like this: 10+10+10=7. It was all kind of amazing.