Oh, Toddlers & Tiaras, why you gotta bust out a heart all of a sudden? I’m supposed to roll my eyes, jab pencils into my ears, scream at the TV then log on and fill your computer screen with snark about crazy pageant moms.
But this week’s episode of T&T might just be the calmest, sweetest episode ever. Even the moms were normal! OK, mostly normal. So I might as well just stop writing now because y’all don’t want fluff. Do you? It’s OK? Just this time? OK. Then I’ll go on.
This week, we’re heading back up north (gah! Strike one!) to Connecticut (they have pageants there?) for the All Around the World Pageant. So yeah, no crazy moms from the South this week. But I do have my supsicions that the pageant director might be a translplant from North Carolina or West Virginia maybe. That’s all I’ll say about that. Before we go any further let’s meet the three featured divas this week:
- Name: Lacey-Mae (you sure we aren’t in the South?)
- Age: 8
- Rank: The Underdog
- Mom: Kerry Ann
- About Lacey-Mae: She’s a little person, which I think is the first time Toddlers & Tiaras has featured a little person. And she’s adorable. And smart. And fun. And sweet. Crown her now. She’s not a little monster like about 85 percent of this other mini crazies. Loved her.
- Name: Damitri’Ana
- Age: 8
- Rank: The Pro
- Mom: Quiana (And Aunt Marquita deserves a mention)
- About Damitri’Ana: Her mom and aunt may or may not be former members of Salt N Pepa. OK, they’re not. But they’re cool enough to be. I think they might be the best thing to happen to this show since Honey Boo Boo Child last season. LOVE.
- Name: Mackenzie (no, not that one. I know, I was bummed too)
- Age: 4
- Rank: The newbie
- Mom: Crystal
- About Mackenzie: This is her first time in a glitz pageant. She usually does natural beauty pageants.
When we first drop in on Damitri’Ana, she’s pop locking and dropping like the best of them. And then, bam! A split in a headstand. And her “father figure” is not having that. “Splits on a headstand? I seen that in a Ludacris video,” he said. “That’s not good.” Don’t worry pops, it’s OK in child beauty pageants. EVERYTHING is OK in child beauty pageants.
Over at Lacey-Mae’s house we get to bask in her cuteness. And she might be little, but she’s big on confidence. And just like any child in the right state of mind, she wants to win hat pageant money.
We stop by Mackenzie’s house just as her new flipper arrived. For you T&T newbies, a flipper is a set of mini pearly whites that cover your kids’ pre-orthodontics mess of a smile. Embrace the flipper. PLEASE. The bad news is, her flipper doesn’t fit. And unlike about 95 percent of the moms featured on this show, Crystal doesn’t care. She’s chill.
See what I mean!? Nothing bad is going to happen in this episode! It’s all really sweet, really normal or just really fabulous (I’m talking about you Quiana and Marquita). So let’s get to the pageant.
Mackenzie is glitzed out for the first time and she looks pretty tame compared to some of our girls. And her mom promises that even though they say “once you go glitz, you never go back” she will go back. And they’ll just get a little glitz on the side.
Damitri’Ana is getting her face on and as Marquita is paintin her up, she utters the best quote of the night: “You’re gonna look like a Real Housewife of Atlanta when we’re done.” Snap. I told you I love them. Anyone who tries to make their little niece look more like Nene Leakes is definitely my new best friend.
At crowning, all three beauties bumped for higher supreme titles. Lacey-Mae won Outfit of Choice. Mackenzie was the World Wear winner and Damitri’Ana won seven and up Grand Supreme.