The week ahead in reality TV—because I don’t have near as much money as Jeff Kent:
Dancing with the Stars (ABC, 8 p.m.): The ballroom-style dances are apparently going to be a salute to Veterans Day. Well, OK.
The Voice (NBC, 8 p.m.): No more battles or knockouts: it’s just the final 12, all on the same level.
Teen Mom 2 (MTV, 10 p.m.): A new season opens with Leah about to get divorced, and Jenelle trying to avoid trouble while on probation. Do these kids have any chance, honestly?
Extreme Couponing (TLC, 10 p.m. and 10:30 p.m.): One half of a couple – the male half, if I needed to spell it out – wants to find a way to spend just $20 on a reception after their renewal of vows. His wife might be looking into discount funerals soon.
Million Dollar Decorators (Bravo, 10 p.m.): The new season begins with Mary handling a client who is leaving all the key decisions to her dog – proving yet again that “eccentric” is just rich people’s talk for “insane.”
Survivor: Philippines (CBS, 8 p.m.): I’m almost hoping they just rerun last week’s episode, so maybe this time I can figure out what the hell is going on. Survivor is usually so straightforward, but that last tribal council was like watching a 2-year-old drawing on a wall with crayons.
LOLwork (Bravo, 11 p.m.): The gang enlists in a Career Day, which is ironic since they’re mostly folks who couldn’t fit in with a regular career.
Project Runway All-Stars (Lifetime, 9 p.m.): The designers are tasked with creating stuff based on ideas sent in by the readers of USA Today. A dress that looks like a color weather map? Why not?
Jersey Brides (TLC, 10 p.m. and 10:30 p.m.): The latest example of my “reality show mash-up” trend in action. The premiere episodes feature a former pro wrestler looking for her dream gown, and a bride from hell who can’t settle on anything.
America’s Next Top Model (CW, 8 p.m.): Cycle 19 ends with a photo shoot that reduces the finalists from three to two, and a runway show in Montego Bay before the winner is announced. You can not only cut the tension with a knife, but you can rip it in half like a wet paper towel.
Monsters Inside Me (Animal Planet, 8 p.m.): I’m really only highlighting this because of the episode title: “I Coughed Up Worms!” Don’t tell me you don’t want to see that.
Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders: Making the Team (CMT, 9 p.m.): The season ends with the gals preparing for their big halftime show about the fight against breast cancer. Shouldn’t they be saluting breast implants instead?
Big Rich Texas (Style, 8 p.m.): Leslie has herself a megarich fiancé, and her friends are skeptical, because that’s what real friends do … along with starting fights at her engagement party. Also, Kalyn attempts to mend fences with her mother.
Married to the Army: Alaska (OWN, 10 p.m.): With Army Wives currently between seasons, this could serve as a decent substitute. I’m trying to imagine my own mom in a reality show about her life as a military wife. A whole hour of watching someone do laundry?