Here’s what’s coming this week in reality TV – because we’re the one place that hasn’t ripped Ryan Seacrest a new one lately:
Monday: Bachelor Pad (ABC, 8 p.m.): The challenge is an obstacle course based on an ice cream theme, while romantic sparks begin flying between some unlikely housemates. Also, Chris grosses out America (that’s just an educated guess, not part of the actual episode summary).
Miss Advised (Bravo, 10 p.m.): In the season finale, Emily takes a fateful trip to the Napa Valley, Amy tries to change her usual approach in a new relationship, and Julia has a date with a math teacher.
Tuesday: Shipping Wars (A&E, 9 p.m. and 9:30 p.m.): A new season begins with Roy’s strange decision regarding the moving of a statue, and the transport of items that were once owned by Elvis.
Hard Knocks: Training Camp With the Miami Dolphins (HBO, 10 p.m.): This series skipped last year because of the NFL lockout, but it’s back now and worth checking out for the inevitable storylines, even if you don’t care about the Dolphins, or the NFL.
Wednesday: Here Comes Honey Boo Boo (TLC, 10 p.m. and 10:30 p.m.): Yes, I’ve been looking forward to this show for weeks, and I understand this makes me part of the problem. This series introduces us to the family of noted child pageant queen Alana Thompson, and their unapologetically redneck ways.
Top Chef Masters (Bravo, 10 p.m.): The contestants must team up to impress a panel led by … Brian Boitano? I know he had a Food Network presence at one time, but this really seems random.
Thursday: Big Brother (CBS, 9 p.m.): Someone is going home tonight. Unless they decide to change the rules again and have no one go home.
Project Runway (Lifetime, 9 p.m.): Apparently, we’re not totally done yet with designers walking off on their own accord. Surprising, since to a person they have all seemed so psychologically with it to this point.
Snooki & JWOWW (MTV, 10 p.m.): The girls head to Cancun – something that makes perfect sense for most any other show on MTV, but possibly not if you’re pregnant.
Saturday: Tanked (Animal Planet, 9 p.m.): Tracy Morgan, the man whose character once famously said “Live every week like it’s Shark Week,” is getting a shark tank installed in his basement. Of course he is.
Sunday: Ice Road Truckers (History, 9 p.m.): Hugh is critical in preventing disaster for a newcomer on the roads, while two of the veterans on the Dalton Road keep their rivalry perking.
Real Housewives of New Jersey (Bravo, 10 p.m.): The ladies decide to try surfing, which we can all agree is a totally natural thing for a bunch of women in their 30s and 40s to suddenly get interested in. Also, Teresa and Jacqueline fight, and I fell asleep just typing that.
Strange Sex (TLC, 10 p.m.): Meeting a couple that has been hoarding “sex furniture” for years. I’m not sure what this means, but I bet their Lemon Pledge budget is through the roof.