Here’s the week ahead in reality TV – because John Henson hasn’t given me a funny nickname yet.
Monday: The Bachelorette (ABC, 8 p.m.): Uh-oh, looks like Emily is mad at somebody, and you know what that means – she’s going to turn into some kind of dirty mangy cussin’ hill creature from West Virginia again.
Tuesday: Real Housewives of Orange County (Bravo, 9 p.m.): The original recipe ends another season with all sorts of fightin’ and fussin’ at Heather’s party. A pair of husbands end up in combat, and Vicki and Tamra battle as well. Vicki, you’re way too old for this. Old! Yes, I went there.
Craft Wars (TLC, 10 p.m.): Tori Spelling is behind this new competition series, which matches three crafters in a battle for $10,000. First up: trying to create a duffel bag out of sporting equipment, and turning school supplies into a playhouse.
Wednesday: So You Think You Can Dance (Fox, 8 p.m.): The 200th episode will serve to introduce our top 20. Zooey Deschanel apparently has some involvement in this process; let’s hope she knows more about dancing than singing.
Hollywood Exes (VH1, 9 p.m.): Five women who were once married to celebs set out to prove their independence, something that apparently can now be done these days only via reality TV. Among those involved are Prince’s ex Mayte Garcia (bet he’s thrilled), and the first Mrs. Will Smith.
The Real World: St. Thomas (MTV, 10 p.m.): The franchise that launched a thousand drunken hook-ups heads to the Virgin Islands. I’ll let you all write your own punchlines here.
Thursday: Wipeout (ABC, 9 p.m.): My favorite guilty pleasure is back for another summer, because gosh darn it, seeing people getting slammed in the stomach never gets old. The theme for this hour is nerds vs. hotties, giving me a difficult choice on who to root for.
Chef Wanted With Anne Burrell (Food Network, 10 p.m.): Several chefs compete for a job under the watchful eye of Burrell. Best case scenario is that this will be like Hell’s Kitchen, with less tobacco smoke and 12-letter obscenities.
Friday: Chasing UFOs (National Geographic, 9 p.m.): Yes, it’s another UFO series, but with an interesting twist reminiscent of a Friday night show from years past, The X Files: one member of the investigative team is a self-proclaimed skeptic on the subject.
Saturday: Bad Dog! (Animal Planet, 9 p.m.): A dog commandeers his owners’ clothes in an attempt to keep her from leaving for work. I can totally picture this, and it’s making me laugh. Also, three goats climb on a car. Wait, what?
Sunday: Extreme Makeover: Weight Loss Edition (ABC, 9 p.m.): A man who weighs nearly 500 pounds believes he can find love by dropping some pounds. Considering that you usually have to be alive to find love, I would have to agree.
Keeping Up With the Kardashians (E, 9 p.m.): The gang continues its sojourn in the Dominican Republic, and news flash! Scott wonders if anyone likes him. Scott, the answer to this is the same as it’s always been.
Shark Wranglers (History, 10 p.m.): A team attempts to tag 50 great whites in an attempt to decipher their movements around the ocean. I’ve stopped wondering what 90% of History’s programming has to do with, uh, history.