The upcoming week in reality TV – because I’m visiting the Buckwild cast and need my shots:
Hoarders (A&E, 9 p.m.): A woman lives in squalor, with only her niece willing to help her straighten things out; also, hoarding from a pair of ex-punk rockers and current porn shop employees. Gee, you think they would be used to cleaning up repellent messes.
Real Housewives of Beverly Hills (Bravo, 9 p.m.): The Vegas trip ends with the latest in a long line of Housewives bad dinner dates. Also, Brandi tries to interest the gang in pole dancing, and not everyone is on board with Kim’s planned nose job.
Teen Mom 2 (MTV, 10 p.m.): As the season winds down, Jenelle has the paternity test, Leah has some unwelcome news for ex Corey, Chelsea gets ready for beauty school, and Kailyn fights with Jo.
The Bachelor (ABC, 8 p.m.): It’s a special Tuesday edition! Whatever did we do to deserve this? Sean and the rest of the gang are in the Canadian Rockies in the fall, but expect to see a few of the usual bikinis anyway.
The Joe Schmo Show (Spike, 10 p.m.): The producers are worried that Chase is going to figure out that the entire production is a fake. I know it looks much different to us than it must to Chase, but you wonder how he hasn’t had these suspicions around the clock.
American Idol (Fox, 8 p.m.): The Hollywood round begins with a new twist that I’m not sure I understand: the male and female wannabes will compete separately. If the idea this season is to highlight a hoped-for female winner, giving the guys nights all to themselves won’t help in that regard.
Top Chef (Bravo, 10 p.m.): The finalists continue their cruise north, working with Alaskan King crab in port in Juneau for their quickfire challenge, and moving on to salmon and sourdough for the elimination challenge.
Project Runway (Lifetime, 9 p.m.): Heidi Klum is getting ready to debut a new fragrance, and the teams are competing to design her outfit for the big launch. I’m thinking that one middle-aged dame might need to step it up this week.
Buckwild (MTV, 10 p.m.): Wow, that first season came and went in a hurry, didn’t it? Expect MTV to drag further seasons out much, uh, further … whether possible alien life form Shain can possibly get into Cara’s pants is the main question to be decided.
The Job (CBS, 8 p.m.): Lisa Ling hosts this competition show, which features several people going after a new position (this week, it’s a restaurant managerial job). I’m not a network programmer, but Friday night might not be the ideal spot for a show about going to work.
Something Borrowed, Something New (TLC, 10 p.m. and 10:30 p.m.): The latest example of TLC Friday night bridal porn is this show, which gives brides-to-be a choice between an older gown with some history behind it, or something novel and shiny and expensive.
Too Cute! (Animal Planet, 8 p.m.): Anyone can do another kitties-and-puppies show, but this week, they’re spotlighting piglets, hedgehogs, and rabbits. If they have an outing with baby snakes being nursed to adulthood, I may have to bail on you.
Shahs of Sunset (Bravo, 9 p.m.): The season finale finds Reza wanting to make it official with Adam, Lilly deciding how to move on, and Mike breaking unwelcome girlfriend news to his parents.
Bar Rescue (Spike, 10 p.m.): A new season begins with Jon Taffer trying to save a bar on Bourbon Street. Seriously? There can’t be a legitimate reason to be having problems selling alcohol there. They give you little cocktails when you donate blood.