A look at the week ahead in reality TV – because I’m the caboose on the Hot Tamale Train.
Monday: Bachelor Pad (ABC, 8 p.m.): No one on this franchise ever balks at bungee jumping, but I bet this week’s spelling bee will make some folks nervous.
Tia & Tamera (Style, 8 p.m.): Tia prepares for her first Mother’s Day as a guest of honor while also readying herself for a book tour, while Tamera keeps a wrap on her own big news.
Push Girls (Sundance, 10 p.m.): In the season finale, Auti prepares for her film premiere, and Angela makes a decision about her future in modeling.
Tuesday: America’s Got Talent (NBC, 8 p.m.): We’re finally into the home stretch, as half of the final 24 face the audience one more time. I know Howie Mandel is on record as saying that this is finally the year a singer doesn’t win, but I’m not taking that bet.
19 Kids and Counting (TLC, 9 p.m.): It’s almost that time! The season premiere finds the older Duggar daughters talking about what they want in a husband. I’m guessing “must like the sound of crying babies” is high atop the list.
Abby & Brittany (TLC, 10 p.m. and 10:30 p.m.): An examination of the lives of conjoined twins, who turn 22 on the premiere episode. The girls also contend with their first job interview.
Teen Mom (MTV, 10 p.m.): MTV says goodbye to its original batch of young mothers as Amber and Maci each confront custody issues, Catelynn reflects on the adoption, and Farrah misses Sophia. Let’s hope these families can adapt to life away from the spotlight.
Wednesday: Here Comes Honey Boo Boo (TLC, 10 p.m.): The ladies of the house check on how successful their weight loss has been, and the gang travels to Alana’s latest pageant. Memo to Anna: Please stop calling it your “biscuit.” You’re about to give birth, for heaven’s sake.
Top Chef Masters (Bravo, 10 p.m.): The chefs have to test ideas for a Thai restaurant, and also have to concoct a dish using known aphrodisiacs. How will they test that, I wonder?
Thursday: Big Brother (CBS, 9 p.m.): That sound you heard around the time of the first eviction a week ago? Yeah, it was me. There’s a good chance we’re going to have a non-returnee winner now, which didn’t seem too likely a month back.
Project Runway (Lifetime, 9 p.m.): The final nine strive to win a chance at designing a mini-collection for Lord & Taylor. Also, Ven appeals to rejoin the human race. Good luck with that!
Gigolos (Showtime, 11 p.m.): Season premiere: Jimmy has suddenly stopped taking calls, and Brace enters the world of spray tanning.
Friday: I Found the Gown (TLC, 10 p.m. and 10:30 p.m.): I imagine this is the emotion you feel right before you Say Yes to the Dress? One of this week’s profiled women has to fit her gown in amongst her medical bills. Priorities!
Sunday: Keeping Up With the Kardashians (E, 9 p.m.): Did the sight of Rob cracking up disturb you? Goodness knows it’s hard, being the non-working son in a family of idle daughters.
Small Town Security (AMC, 11 p.m.): I’m not sure this bizarre little show will get a second season, but I hope AMC finds a way. In the season finale, the Chief takes more interest in her public access program, and gives relationship advice to the lovesick Croft.