Here’s what’s ahead this week in reality TV – because Tim Gunn told me to make it work, and I can’t bear to disappoint him:
Monday: Bachelor Pad (ABC, 8 p.m.): 15 prior contestants we’ve loved to hate, plus six more I’m sure we can learn to hate, embark on a journey to collect $250,000 and the title “Most likely to be nicknamed Patient Zero at the next high school reunion.”
Real Housewives of New York City (Bravo, 9 p.m.): A secret about LuAnn is coming out. Ooooh, sounds scary. In other LuAnn news, she holds a wine tasting, where Ramona’s brand is sampled. Let me guess: it has a loud nose and an obnoxious finish.
Tuesday: Deadliest Catch (Discovery, 8 p.m.): The two-hour finale of Season 8 features the end of another Opilio crab season, and a critical mistake from one of the veterans.
Dance Moms (Lifetime, 9 p.m.): For those of you who never liked Jill and were thrilled when she and her daughter left/were kicked out of the Abby Lee nest, this may not be one of your happier weeks. Also, the dancers have both good (Maddie) and bad (Paige) breaks.
Design Star (HGTV, 9 p.m.): The finalists develop their pilot in the season finale. Danielle probably has an edge on Brittany, but it’s a true battle of mediocrities.
Real Housewives of Orange County (Bravo, 9 p.m.): The “lost footage special” presumably brings a close to this season at last.
Love in the Wild (NBC, 10 p.m.): The final two couples have a last overnighter designed to test the strength of their relationship – and how weak could anything forged on a reality show really be?
Wednesday: Top Chef Masters (Bravo, 10 p.m.): Twelve big name chefs battle it out in the opening of Season 4. The first big task: reinventing the venerable Las Vegas buffet.
Thursday: Take Me Out (Fox, 8 p.m.): The season finale features a chef, a paramedic, and a tattoo artist in a search for love. Yes, I said love, and you can stop giggling now.
Big Brother (CBS, 9 p.m.): Maybe we should mark this down as tentative, in case they run out of people to play before Thursday? I’m just shocked that it was someone from the Hantz clan that blew up. They’ve been such models of stability to this point.
3 (CBS, 10 p.m.): Three women move into a Chicago home, and begin to meet potential dating partners from around the country. All three are mighty cute, so I’m guessing this might be successful.
Sunday: Hillbilly Handfishin’ (Animal Planet, 8 p.m.): The second-season premiere introduces us to a new batch of noodlers, including some clergymen from New Jersey, and a man who is visiting with his mother-in-law.
Bar Rescue (Spike, 9 p.m.): It’s a new season of this show which aims to fix troubled drinking holes, starting in Silver Spring, Md. Isn’t the answer always “more wet t-shirt contests?”
Big Ang (VH1, 9 p.m.): Ang and her entourage head to Florida to go shopping for a beachfront condo. And seriously, when you look at Ang, fun in the sun is pretty much the first thing that comes to mind.