Here’s the week ahead in reality TV – because Clay Aiken is looking for someone he can finally beat.
Monday: Dancing With the Stars (ABC, 8 p.m.): The last night of competition before the finale features the always entertaining freestyles.
The Bachelorette (ABC, 9 p.m.): The group date involves the Muppets – and we understand some pieces of felt will be there also (rimshot). Also, the first of what we hope will be many physical confrontations this season.
Tuesday: American Idol (Fox, 8 p.m.): Note the new night this one week. A final night of competition, “highlighted” by Phillip Phillips and Jessica Sanchez debuting the sure to be horrendous winners’ single.
Dancing With the Stars (ABC, 9 p.m.): The final three are cut to two, and then either William Levy, Katherine Jenkins, or Donald Driver will traipse home with the Mirror Ball Trophy. Onward to a summer of speculation about the all-stars cast!
Real Housewives of Orange County (Bravo, 9 p.m.): Vicki, never the most chill person in the world, is reaching the end of her rope. Also, Slade enters counseling with Gretchen.
Wednesday: American Idol (Fox, 8 p.m.): There’s always a ton of filler on the road to the naming of the new champion, but it will be nice to see the other finalists again. Remember Jeremy Rosado? Remember Erika Van Pelt? Ah … good times.
Toddlers & Tiaras (TLC, 10 p.m.): A 3-year-old girl practices something called a “booty smack.” Have you ever been prouder to be an American? Me neither!
Thursday: Duets (ABC, 8 p.m.): They haven’t skimped on the promos for this, have they? Established stars Jennifer Nettles, Kelly Clarkson, Robin Thicke, and John Legend search the country for the perfect duet partners. The prize at the end of the competition is a recording contract for the newly discovered amateur.
So You Think You Can Dance (Fox, 8 p.m.): Cat, Nigel and the gang are back for a ninth season, which kicks off with auditions in New York and Dallas. The big change this season will be seen later on: no more separate results show.
Punk’d (MTV, 10 p.m.): Glee didn’t give Heather Morris a whole lot to do this season, but she is taking out her aggression on joke victims Joe Jonas, Cody Simpson, and Emma Roberts.
Tattoo School (TLC, 10 p.m.): Dr. Bill Pogue is the star of this show, which apparently has as its premise that anyone can be taught to be a tattoo artist in just two weeks. Maybe, but I’m sure glad that it’s going to be tested out on other people.
Friday: River Monsters: Unhooked (Animal Planet, 9 p.m.): Jeremy searches for the legendary killer fish of Mongolia. I thought Mongolia was mostly a desert? Is it that hard to avoid their fish?
Sunday: Keeping Up With the Kardashians (E, 9 p.m.): Kendall and Kylie get jobs at Seventeen magazine, though we can be sure it won’t be anything to challenge the family track record of never actually doing any work.
Mob Wives Chicago (VH1, 9 p.m.): A spinoff you can’t refuse! Five Windy City women who have nothing in common except sleazy relatives and really tacky manicures begin their little adventures.