Here’s the week ahead in reality TV – because Cee Lo let me borrow his cat for the weekend.
Monday: Bethenny Ever After (Bravo, 10 p.m.): My guess: Bethenny spends the hour belittling the idea of having sex with her husband, and then spends the rest of the week answering media questions about whether her marriage is in trouble. Has she considered adding 2 and 2 at some point?
Tuesday: Dancing With the Stars (ABC, 9 p.m.): A double elimination this week! This might finally be the end for Melissa Gilbert, who will hopefully use her prize money to sue her plastic surgeon.
The Voice (NBC, 9 p.m.): A winner is announced! Will it be Chris, Tony, Juliet, or Jermaine? And will we see any of them again before they appear on an episode next season to inform us of all the exciting things they don’t have going on?
The Devil’s Ride (Discovery, 10 p.m.): A motorcycle club from San Diego lets the cameras in for a glimpse of their lifestyle. Part of which likely involves beating up anyone who uses the word “lifestyle” in their presence.
Wednesday: Around the World in 80 Plates (Bravo, 10 p.m.): It’s just like The Amazing Race, except it features chefs cooking in international locations … and it’s not really a “race.” If we get some serious Anthony Bourdain-like grossness, this could be fun.
Couples Therapy (VH1, 10 p.m.): The season finale. When I look at the people involved in this show (Linda Hogan, Vienna Girardi), the obvious question “Why would someone with serious relationship issues ever agree to discuss them on TV?” answers itself.
Thursday: The Pauly D Project (MTV, 10:30 p.m.): The gang tries to trick Biggie into attending a strip club while in Vegas. People need to be tricked into that?
Friday: Whale Wars: Viking Shores (Animal Planet, 9 p.m.): The big difference between this series and its parent show is that the activists are dealing with people who (mostly) speak and understand English, which is making the confrontations much more heated.
Sunday: Survivor: One World (CBS, 8 p.m.): It’s the traditional three-hour season-ending blowout, including the reunion special afterwards. Unless something weird happens and everyone else realizes Kim is heading towards cleaning collective clocks in the final tribal council, it looks like the bridal shop owner is a cinch winner.
Celebrity Apprentice (NBC, 9 p.m.): After one more firing (I assume Arsenio?), the final two (I assume Clay and Aubrey?) will utilize several returning contestants as they create their own charity event, complete with advertising and a variety show.
Food Network Star (Food Network, 9 p.m.): The competition that unleashed Guy Fieri on the world is back with a format twist: Bobby Flay, Alton Brown, and Giada De Laurentiis are now going to be serving as coaches of teams. I want to see if the contestant named “Linkie” will be proposing a sausage-themed show.
Sister Wives (TLC, 9 p.m.): Just in time for Mother’s Day! A different holiday is happening as the new season opens, as Kody seeks out several Christmas trees for the homes of his several wives. Now, that’s the holiday spirit!