Here’s the week ahead in reality TV – because the Emmy orchestra played me offstage last week.
Monday: Dancing With the Stars (ABC, 8 p.m.): A show all about stars is now airing an “all-star” edition, which means the universe may finally be caving in on itself. I’m going to call it right here: Gilles Marini isn’t getting robbed a second time.
Gallery Girls (Bravo, 10 p.m.): Amy gets some news from her father that puts her lifestyle in jeopardy. It’s about time, since I stopped considering alcoholism a “lifestyle” once I got out of college.
Tuesday: All the Right Moves (Oxygen, 10 p.m. and 11 p.m.): The season finale episodes find the company in apparent danger of imploding, before some breaks give them new life.
Flipping Out (Bravo, 10 p.m.): Andrew tries to recover from a bad performance review, but there’s a new roadblock when Jeff discovers some odd elements in his background.
Wednesday: The X Factor (Fox, 8 p.m.): The auditions continue, as we’ve already gotten to the “please hurry this up” phase of the season. Is it too soon to admit that America really isn’t talking about Britney Spears?
Here Comes Honey Boo Boo (TLC, 10 p.m.): It’s a Very Special Episode for the first season finale, and if you’ve seen any of the stories about Anna’s baby, you know exactly what I’m referring to.
Top Chef Masters (Bravo, 10 p.m.): Season finale: Kerry and Chris battle it out with some help from the crews from their home restaurants. Chris wants this like a barracuda wants human flesh, so seeing him lose would be hilarious.
Thursday: Farm Kings (GAC, 9 p.m.): The ten King siblings work at farming – and judging from GAC’s publicity for the show, the males in the family really like taking their shirts off. I’m thinking that, rather than manure spreading, might end up being the big draw.
Project Runway (Lifetime, 9 p.m.): Oooh, I can see some of these designers really not liking this challenge: creating looks for Heidi Klum’s line for babies. Would something that fits Elena qualify?
Sunday: Making Monsters (Travel, 8 p.m. and 9 p.m.): Halloween is right around the corner, as the return of this series set in the workshop of creep designer Ed Edmunds illustrates.
The Amazing Race (CBS, 8 p.m.): As always in the fall, your starting time might be affected by football. Season 21 kicks off going east for a change, as the teams race to TAR’s favorite country, China.
The Great Food Truck Race (Food Network, 9 p.m.): it’s the Korean sausage guys vs. the Italian Jersey girls on the final leg of the race, which ends in my ancestral homeland of Lubec, Maine. Whichever truck can make it work with sardines ought to be home free.
Real Housewives of New Jersey (Bravo, 10 p.m.): The first of the “reunion shows,” as if the last five months hasn’t had misery enough. Could they invite little Milania to the reunion this year? Her snark would be welcome.