It’s no secret Stassi Schroeder has pretty much sucked as a person during the inaugural season of Vanderpump Rules. But after Monday’s season finale, we actually felt a little bit sorry for the self-proclaimed princess/devil being that her ex, Jax, finally admitted to philandering and general jackassery before he walked out on her for good.
A skillful and habitual liar, Jax had convinced all of their mutual friends for months that he was the victim in the break-up, which caused a huge rift between Stassi and all her homies.
The show kicked off with the erstwhile couple shopping for a collar for Stassi’s new puppy. Stassi was trying to give a friendship with Jax a chance, while Jax was trying to woo her back into a relationship. Jax had his dog (formerly their dog) in tow, and Stassi mentioned how fat and depressed the dog had gotten since hanging out with Laura-Leigh for the past week. She also forbade Jax’ dog to wear “anything that batsh!t crazy girl bought her.”
Jax told Stassi he was changing his life for her, like, literally! Later in the episode, Jax was shown seeing a therapist and admitting to A) being a chronic liar throughout his life; B) cheating on Stassi when he was in Vegas; and C) having a lifetime pattern of being in relationships, then sleeping with everything that has a pulse. In other words, everything that comes out of his mouth is a lie and he’s hornier than a teenage boy.
Meanwhile, Laura-Leigh was at SUR talking to Lisa Vanderpump. The squeaky-voiced actress/waitress was all, Screw this noise. I got an acting gig in a Jennifer Aniston movie, so I’m out. Stassi quivered with joy when she found out about Laura-Leigh’s departure, oblivious that Laura-Leigh was going to be the biggest winner of the season.
In an eye candy scene that lasted much of the episode, Lisa had SUR staffers get into bikinis and suits for a photo shoot at her swimming pool, the pictures from which would be featured in promotional ads for the restaurant.
I don’t know about you, but if I knew 25 people who had all been screwing each other without protection, I’m not sure I’d invite them to my home, knowing that just small strip of nylon separated their grody genitals from my furniture. Well, nylon and a sock, in some cases. We also learned that it’s commonplace for male models to shove a sock or three into their underpants before having their photos made. Jax and Peter both used some gym socks to add some extra bulk to their crotch pouch.
Jax and Stassi had a quick poolside chat about whether reconciliation was a possibility before being called over to pose together in a photo. After a few pose changes, Jax remarked that his boner was about to crowd the socks out of his swimsuit.
That may have slightly flattering had he not earlier admitted that as long as he was alive and breathing, he was able to get a pudgy anytime.
After the shoots wrapped, there was a Photo Shoot Afterparty at SUR. This is Hollywood, after all.
Jax came strolling in, sat down with Lisa and told her he needed to quit because SUR wasn’t good for him. She was like, OK, but don’t you need a job? He goes, No, I’m OK. I don’t need a job. I need to be better for myself and for Stassi. Hey man,being unemployed is a great start, there smarty.
Next, he came clean with Stassi, telling her he HAD, in fact, knocked up a chick in Vegas, and lied to her on several occasions. Even though she probably knew that deep down inside, the confirmation of said events left Stassi shocked. Maybe since he’d denied the accusations so emphatically, she had a small glimmer of hope that he was a stand-up guy. But come on, girlfriend. The guy has FREEDOM tattooed across his back. Just sayin’.
So, she sobbed uncontrollably and called him an a**hole. Stassi was angry with him for his actions, but also because his adept lying had caused all their friends to take his side when he was, indeed, a cretin. He told her he would never contact her again, that she would never hear from him again — until next week’s reunion show anyway.
While Stassi cried in a private room, then in the bathroom, Jax went out and told the group he was a liar and a cheat. They were all stunned, and when Jax went outside to collect himself, the dudes all followed him. Then he relayed the real story: He had been in Vegas a few months back, and a buddy called him over to a club, where he was chillin’ in VIP. Jax wound up humping the bottle service girl, who wound up getting preggers. He paid for her to have an abortion, and never heard from her again. The end.
Whew! I’m spent after all that. Does anyone have a cigarette?
What did you think of Vanderpump Rules? If the show is renewed, will you watch season two?