“Ghetto Bitches,” Musical Beds, and Psychotic Tendencies. Like, Literally.

“Ghetto Bitches,” Musical Beds, and Psychotic Tendencies. Like, Literally.

If there’s one thing we learned from last night’s Vanderpump Rules, it’s that Stassi Schroeder is, like, literally, about two steps away from being featured on an hour-long episode of Snapped.

All of Lisa Vanderpump’s waiters, waitresses and bartenders were back on the scene after behaving like rubes in Las Vegas for a weekend. The show opened with Lisa sitting Jax Taylor down and giving him a talking to. Lisa said he was a moron for going to Vegas in the first place after all that had gone down, and that he better find a way to get along with Stassi’s new boyfriend, Frank, or one of them would get sacked.

Lisa scolds Jax for being a dolt

She told him she was going to call a staff meeting to get down to the bottom of the issues. In other words, she was going to drag everyone’s sexual and relationship escapades out for all the others to witness.

Meanwhile, Jax — who had been back in town for all of 24 hours — was talking to manager, Peter, who said, Hey, I heard you’re seeing someone else from Sur. Jax was all, Yeah, Laura-Leigh was dog-sitting for me. I got home, we went to lunch, we went for a hike, we went to dinner, went to a movie … then we went to breakfast. It was the BEST SEX I’ve had in a long time, he said of the squeaky-voiced, recovering meth addict. I think I really like her!

So, let me get this straight. Roughly 24 hours ago, Jax was ripping off his white cable knit sweater in a parking lot to fight Frank over his ex-girlfriend of five days, and now he’s in a new relationship with the first person he laid eyes on upon coming home. I’m beginning to think Sur is a larger VD petri dish than the Bachelor Pad and Jersey Shore house combined. I hope penicillin is offered as a benefit.

Here are the other major haps from the show:

STASSI’S MOM

So, when Stassi got home, she went to lunch with her mom, and said they were exactly alike: “Dramatic and sensitive; we are little princesses.”  Stassi told her mom the whole Vegas tale, and her mother was only momentarily upset to find out that her daughter was shagging a new guy two sexonds seconds after dumping her deadbeat lush of a boyfriend.

And here’s something that has been grating on our nerves since the first episode, but we’re finally going to call it out. Stassi (and the others on this show)  constantly use the word ‘literally.’  They are not smart enough to make figurative statements, rendering literally unnecessary in 99.9 percent of cases. So, this week, we’re gonna start keeping a tally.

Stassi complained to her mother, “(My friends) are all literally so against Frank!” Counter: 1

JAX MOVES ON

It took Jax about 24 hours to find a new co-worker girlfriend. Stassi got a call from Laura-Leigh, who told her that she and Jax were “starting a relationship.” Stassi told cameras: “Literally, I don’t have the words for it.” Counter: 2

Of course, when she got to work, Stassi was scheduled to work in the same room with all the people who now hate her, so she went in to whine to her boyfriend, Frank. “I literally walked in and it’s Jax, Laura-Leigh and Kristen, and there’s nobody to be on my side.” Counter: 3

Lisa got wind of Jax and L L Meth J and was A) shocked he was seeing someone when he was just sobbing over Stassi 24 hours prior; and B) worried that Jax’s careless rebound boinking was going to hurt the vulnerable girl and send her into an addiction tailspin.

An unconcerned Jax told cameras, Eh, she’s good. She’s been sober for nine months!

Stassi asked Peter if she could go home for the day because she couldn’t work in the same room with Jax and his new squeeze. Peter was all, Jax just had this same situation four days ago. She said, “This is my first day back witnessing this whole thing. I literally just walked into hell.” Counter: 4

SCHEANA’S SINGING CAREER

Scheana was also back in the saddle this week, getting ready to do her first stage performance of her (terrible) pop song. In the studio with producers, she practiced the ditty and was met with horrified looks. And I’m not even kidding, at this exact moment, my hard-sleeping, 10-month-old baby woke up crying upstairs. I know, baby girl. My ears hurt, too.

Said Scheana, “It’s so hard to sing the whole thing.” Not as hard as it is to listen, toots.

KRISTEN’S PARTY

Now that Stassi was the odd woman out, Kristen decided to have a little party to which she invited everyone, including Stassi’s sworn enemies, Scheana, and now, Laura-Leigh. Jax and LL showed up with their dogs and were making out in front of everyone.

Scheana asked LL, “So, have you talked to Stassi?”

Stassi wasn't invited to Kristen's party

LL proceeded to read a string of texts from Stassi, saying things like, You are f***ing  pathetic. You have zero self esteem. You meant nothing to anyone until I talked to you. Way to pay me back. Nobody liked you before and now they hate you and think you’re disgusting. Everyone has been warning me you were oddly obsessed with me. Have fun with my leftovers, freak!

Man, she is really such a sweetheart, isn’t she?

BIG MEETING:
Lisa called in about 25 people and admonished them for all screwing each other, and in turn, screwing up her business. As a resturant owner, she was pissed at them for assing out and fighting in someone else’s business in Vegas.
She asked to hear what happened. Jax admitted he was wrong to go there, then Lisa asked why Katie and Stassi had gotten physical. Stassi explained that Katie’s boyfriend had called her a bitch, “and my instinct was to literally throw water on him.” Counter: 5 But I never would have pulled Katie’s hair! “I’m not a ghetto bitch!”

Then Laura-Leigh squeaked out some crazy tirade against Stassi, Stassi spoke down to her and told cameras “It was NICE of me to just bully text her!” Lisa told them all to stop being assholes. Meeting adjourned.

Stassi’s new group of pals all rallied around her, saying that Laura-Leigh was ugly, a psycho, a drug head, etc. Stassi was like, “Jax just left me a love not three days ago. LITERALLY!” Counter: 6

NEW BESTIES?
Stassi made a special request to get off work to go see Scheana’s show because she was dying to make fun of her. “I imagine it to be like Britney Spears when she was at her lowest, like, times ten,” she told two random Sur friends.
In the end, everyone (except for people like us who actually enjoy good music) were impressed with Scheana’s debut. Deflated at not being able to ridicule Scheana, Stassi went outside to cry.
Scheana showed up outside, saw Stassi sobbing, and — knowing what it’s like to be hated on — gave her a hug.
The two went inside and had a drink together, and decided to document their truce. Apparently, friendships at Sur have almost as much turnover as the bed sheets.

New friends

Violent tendencies
The best part of the entire show was when Bravo compiled a montage of all the insane things Stassi says to people. Her violent metaphors seem kind of crazy to people, especially if you don’t know her, said Tom S.

Said Stassi of her ex-friends in Las Vegas: “I literally want to come at them with daggers and chop their faces and hide them in the walls.” Counter: 7

“I’d really love to, like, drill a machine gun into her head,” she said at an unknown event.

“It’s cut my boyfriend’s d*** off time!,” she said in confessional.

“I literally want to take every fork and knife and just graze over his body until he slowly bleeds to death,” she told cameras. Counter: 8

When she was going off on Jax after the gay pride parade: “I normally would have literally ran across that float with daggers, and not only stabbed you both, like, forty times, but then thrown you off, tarred and feathered, beheaded you and quartered your bodies and dragged you through the cities of west LA on a disgusting truck.”
Counter: 9

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Comments

  • http://twitter.com/gaborrr gaborrr

    Literally there are always additional coworkers to choose from in the nonstop sexual musical chair that is Vanderpump rules!!!! I knew Lisa wasn’t gonna fire Girlie Frank and Gorilla Jax. I just hope his porn star friend starts working at SUR so he can also starts impregnating the long list of employees.. Friendships and Frienemies work the same way as in the parent show where the psychotic musical chair involves finding scapegoats (that fell of the chair) to gang up on…

  • irishtxn

    I would really watch my back around Stassi! Damn, the girl’s a bitch and sounds like she was brought up in a High Security Woman’s Prison for the Criminally Insane! The girl needs to get her anger issues dealt with and if Lisa can’t see it, well….

  • Stassihater

    Violent Stassi Meme now available!

    http://www.quickmeme.com/meme/3t0st7/

  • Lisa

    Stassi is so insucure it’s sad!!!! The way she treats people…. SUCH A LOOOOSSSSER:(

  • Shelley OBrien

    Hasn’t Stassi been involved with Peter, Frank & Jax playing musical bar stools? If so, Stassi is in no position too be talking smack.

  • M

    Stassi is a cunt

    • Lisa

      .You’re a horrible self-entitled little snob…..I pray for you.