If you’ve been missing Jersey Shore at all, may we suggest you start watching Vanderpump Rules? So far, it’s basically the same thing — drunkenness, arguments, musical bed sheets and fist fights. All you have to do is replace leopard print with sequins, big hair with flat hair, and t-shirt slingers with restaurant workers.
In Monday’s episode of Vanderpump, Stassi Schroeder’s birthday pilgrimage to Las Vegas got underway. To refresh you: It has been less than a week since she broke up with her co-worker and boyfriend of two years, Jax. Naturally, she already has a new boyfriend — also a co-worker and (ex) friend of Jax’s, Frank — and she’s invited him along on the trip.
Stassi and Jax’s mutual friends all refused to let Frank ride in any of their cars to Las Vegas, so Stassi and Frank drove separately in an SUV; Katie and Kristen are in another SUV and the two Toms, Peter and Jax are in yet another. (Take that, environment!)
Except nobody knows Jax is coming. Even after last week’s parking lot brawl, he thought it’d be a grand idea to crash Stassi’s birthday party.
Kristen and Katie were angry at Stassi for believing Frank’s whole Jax-impregnated-a-Las Vegas-porn-star story. Stassi was mad that they aren’t supporting her in her new relationship of three days.
When Stassi and Frank arrived to their hotel room in Vegas, there was a surprise waiting for them: A huge bouquet of flowers from Jax. Stassi was upset that he was trying to put a damper on her romantic getaway with Frank. “I wanted to throw them at the wall and take a knife to his face,” she said.
She is such a sweetie, no wonder these guys are fighting over her.
Frank rolled his eyes at the flowers and was all, “Someday he’ll move on.”
Dudes. It’s been, like, a week! It took Stassi less time to move on than it does for me to fold a basket of baby laundry.
Here’s a play-by-play of what transpired after that.
Jax fesses up:
In Las Vegas, Jax had a heart to heart with Peter, and admitted he DID get a porn star pregnant in Las Vegas — but not two months ago, like Frank said. It was allegedly three years ago, before he even knew Stassi. No, the woman didn’t have the baby, so he doesn’t have some random seed out there somewhere.
Jax said he knew Stassi’s birthday bash wasn’t the ideal time to talk, but he wanted to tell his side of the story before it was too late. “If I show up, hopefully she’ll hear me out,” he said, guzzling Patron shots like water.
Stassi piled all her homies, the majority of which were dudes, into a stretch Hummer for a special surprise outing. Guess what, boys? We have front row seats to the Chippendales dancers! The two Toms and Peter were pretty nauseated by the whole thing, but Frank pretended it wasn’t SO awful to appease Stassi. It worked for him because the two wound up PG-17 makeout session while the dancers were still parading around in their strategically-placed knee socks.
Lisa at home: Meanwhile, back in L.A., Lisa was astonished that her restaurant was a mess after being so short-staffed on a Saturday night. One, we don’t really care about what’s happening at Sur right now. Two, Hasn’t Lisa been running restaurants for a while now? She should know better than to let six people go on a weekend trip anyway. Totally staged.
After Stassi’s posse got their fill of oily, shaved, naked man, they headed over to have dinner. Stassi asked everyone to toast her by saying ridiculous things like, “Hail Princess Stassi!” She made a speech, saying how touched she was that everyone put their lives on hold to come party with her. Methinks that a weekend off work in Las Vegas was more of a draw than Stassi, but it’s her birthday, so we’ll just let her have her moment.
Oh wait! Moment ruined! Jax strolled in and said hi to everyone before looking at Frank and telling him to suck his male genitalia, but of course, didn’t use exactly those words.
Jax tried to plead with Stassi to listen to his side of the story, but mostly wound up telling Frank what a douche he was. “You’re just a pawn!,” Jax yelled. “You’re just a shoulder to cry on.”
Finally, Stassi spoke up. “This is my f***ing birthday! Everyone shut the f*** up!”
Katie’s boyfriend was all, “F*** you, bitch!” to Stassi. Stassi got pissed and threw a drink on Katie and Tom, and wound up yanking on Katie’s hair.
Meanwhile, Jax and Frank were yelling at each other, with the other dudes/male models pretending to keep them from ripping each other apart.
Take it outside:
With male testosterone overflowing, all the dudes made their way outside. Jax was screaming, literally foaming at the mouth. Not sure if it was toothpaste or dried saliva or something else stuck on his mouth and lips, but it was totally grossing me out.
Next thing you know, at least three of these idiots were shirtless, trying to kick each other’s asses in the parking lot. But nobody actually wound up throwing any punches. What a bunch of build up for a whole lotta nothing. I’m not one for violence, but I’d love to see all these simpletons take a punch or two, just to shut them up.
Finally, the scene dispersed. Jax, the Toms, Peter, Katie and Kristen all took off together in the stretch Hummer, while Stassi was inside whining. “They took his side and then left me in my own limp. I was sitting there soaked in beer.”
Here come the benchwarmers:
Stassi called in her second-string friends, and they were already having breakfast together when Katie and Kristen texted her the next morning to try and patch things up. Stassi took a photo of herself with her other pals and texted it back to them, like, Up yours.
Afterward, Katie called boss lady Lisa to whine to her about what happened. Nobody likes a tattletale, Katie. Get a life.
For some reason, Katie and Kristen wanted to make one last effort to have fun with Stassi, so they went to meet her at the club. She totally blew them off, so they went in another area to sulk. All those people she’s with, they said, “are a bunch of freeloading a–holes sucking her a–hole.”
Stassi came out to talk to them, saying that real friends wouldn’t take Jax’s side in the breakup or be so mean to her new man. They said something — does it really even matter at this point? — and Stassi goes, “It’s my birthday — you don’t have to be here if you don’t like me.”
Sweet! We’re outta here, girlfriend.
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