It was a landmark night on Vanderpump Rules. Not only did the drama flame up between exes Stassi and Jax because she started dating one of his friends/coworkers, we finally got a handle on the difference between lookalikes servers Kristen and Katie.
Turns out Kristen, who formerly seemed normal, is batsh*t crazy, too.
The episode kicked off with Stassi telling the Bobbsy twins that she had put in her 30 days notice on the apartment she shared with Jax. It’s over, she said. I’m not happy with him, she said. Instead of supporting their friend in her pursuit for a functional relationship, they were both like, Awwwww, we always thought you guys would get married! You’d have the most beautiful babies! We imagine you two riding around in a convertible, and Stassi your hair is in a ponytail and you look so cute!
In other words, You’re a psycho and lucky that Jax puts up with your possessiveness, even if he is a drunken, overgrown frat boy with no real means of paying bills.
Next up, Kristen was getting ready for a modeling shoot at home, and to demonstrate how low-maintenance she is, she said, “I am the worst model. I hate makeup. Luckily, Tom has never met a beauty product he didn’t like.” She asked her human hair helmet if she could borrow his concealer, which he told her would be too light for her skin.
Stassi was also modeling at this same photo shoot, as was a woman who used to be Tom the Hair Helmet’s roommate. Geez, what are the chances of THAT happening? Oh, wait…
Kristen tells Stassi that Tom used to live with twin Asian chicks, and that he laid the pipe with one of them, and she wondered if this was the one who had gotten a piece of her man. Instead of saying what a normal friend would say — Who knows? But who cares because it was SUCH a long time ago! — Stassi was all, I don’t know, let me ask her!
In front of everyone on the shoot, Stassi yelled, “Hey Casey, did you have sex with Tom Sandoval, or was it your sister?” Well, of course it was Casey! Casey tried to blow it off, “it was so long ago, we were kids,” she said. But now Kristen was *freaking out* while angrily chugging bottles of water. Astounded that this was even a subject of conversation, Casey told another model about how this tryst was ancient history.
Kristen stood close enough to listen, then was all, Can you stop talking about it right now? That’s my man, and you did it in the apartment where I live now! It’s so awkward! Even though we’ve been together four years, I am totally going to blow this thing out of proportion so that people know who I am, and realize I am just as insecure as Stassi!
Meanwhile, Jax, who was off work, was drowning his sorrows at the Sur bar. He told his sob story of heartbreak to his friend and fellow bartender, Frank. “Stassi is the first girl I’ve been in love with,” he whined. I totally screwed up when I didn’t come home last week, then pounded seven shots before saying hi to her at the bar. I’m so sad.
Frank told him to go to San Diego for the weekend — that it would help him get over his failed relationship and move forward. However, Frank failed to mention that during the two days Jax and Stassi had been broken up, he’d been moving in on his woman.
Jax went outside to the garden seating to commiserate with Tom and Peter, the bar manager. Kristen, who was waiting tables, left her patrons and tracked Tom down. She made a total scene, yelling at him for sleeping with another woman before he even knew her. Didn’t he know that seven years later, Casey would end up on a photo shoot with his current girlfriend, and not only would the discover the decade-old dalliance, but talk about it, too? What an insensititve blockhead!
When she was done with her ludicrous tirade, he was like, why did you even bring it up? Why would you go in depth with her about it? That was so long ago. She was like, “STOP TALKING, TOM! It was so uncomfortable.”
His response to the whole thing: “God, dude. Like, really? Really? REALLY?”
Stassi finally revealed to her friends that’s she’s been seeing Frank, even though her and Jax have been broken up for all of 45 minutes and they still live together. “I’m happy with Frank,” she said. “I hang out with Frank all day long. I now feel torn between two people I didn’t even know this could happen so fast. Frank has been so good to me. I don’t know what to do. Who do I go with?”
Is this chick for real?
Jax then had a sit down with Kristen and Katie, and he told them he’s been sobbing in bed every night over his break-up with Stassi. We almost thought we can see the tears still glistening upon his shaved chest, which was exposed to approximately the bottom of his pecs. Or wait, maybe those glimmery things were bronzer?
Anyway, they told him that Stassi’s been seeing Frank. Obviously, Jax was pissed that his friend was trying to mount his ex of 14 seconds behind his back. They told him that Stassi and Frank were going to a nightclub that night, and he decided to go.
Jax arrives after the duo has been taking lots of shots and making out on the dance floor. He approached Stassi when Frank went to the restroom, and by the time Frank came back, Jax has whisked her out of the bar. Jax later told friends they went home, and cuddled and made out. Maybe she’d be riding in that convertible with a ponytail and babies after all!
Obviously, a drunken Frank got pissed that his date got scooped, so told Stassi’s pal that Jax was a liar. That he had cheated on her, and gotten some chick pregnant in Las Vegas. WHOA. That’s not just cheating, that’s like Jerry Springer show-level philandering.
Stassi caught wind of this the next day, and was beside herself with grief. With Katie, Kristen, Frank and some other guy, she drank $600 of Jax’s champagne to show him who’s boss. Then Frank showed how cool he was by getting all Neanderthal and yelling, “I’m going to put Jax in the hospital if he comes here! I’ll throw him over the railing.”
Later, with Tom, Jax returned to the apartment, wearing an inside out sweater with a sleeve that was ripped all the way open. (If this is what he’s wearing out of the house, I’d hate to see the condition of the stuff all over the floor of their apartment.) He was livid that Frank made up such a huge lie, and turned Stassi against him. And besides, it wasn’t even true!, he claimed.
He picked up a bunch of his stuff and asked to stay at Tom’s for a few days. Tom said it’s OK, but deep down inside, you know he was pissed. Dude is gonna have to have to rent a storage unit for his hair and beauty products to make room for Jax.